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  #31  
Old 08-21-2003, 04:57 PM
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A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still unsure but willing, he agreed.

As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked.

"OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened.

He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

The man replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
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  #32  
Old 08-21-2003, 04:57 PM
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Sorry Skip


What's the defintion of a bastard? A guy who screws you all night with a 4 inch penis and kisses you goodbye with a 12 inch tounge!
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  #33  
Old 08-21-2003, 04:58 PM
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At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."
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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd
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  #34  
Old 08-22-2003, 01:32 AM
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LMAO, what a wonderful way to start the morning!
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  #35  
Old 08-23-2003, 11:58 PM
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3 guys are sitting in a bathtub. One of them sees some semen floating in the water and says, "Who farted?"


A kid walks into a grocery store and asks the shopkeepr, "Do you have any laundry detergent?" The owner tell's him yes and asks what kind of laundry he'll be doing. The kid replies, "Not laundry, I'm washing my dog." The owner chuckles a bit, then gets some laundry detergent for him and tells the boy, "Be careful, this stuff is strong."
The next day the boy comes back and the owner asks him how his dog is. The boy informs the owner that his dog is dead. The owner says to the boy, "I told you that stuff was strong." The boy replies, "No, I think it was the rense cycle that got'im."


This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench. The man decides that this is the perfect opportunity for a proposal. The man gets up and bends down on one knee. He looks deeply into the womans eyes and says, "Two questions, my dear: first, will you marry me?" The woman is overjoyed and happily agrees and asks, "What is the second question?" The man replies, "Will you help me up?"
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  #36  
Old 08-26-2003, 11:19 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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A little joke that goes a little with this Thread.



Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,Alma,
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed,
and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, when Paul was getting into bed, he realised he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I
have to get up in the morning! You don't."
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"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #37  
Old 08-26-2003, 01:26 PM
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The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"
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  #38  
Old 08-26-2003, 01:26 PM
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2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
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  #39  
Old 09-03-2003, 07:54 AM
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Not sure if I saw this one on the board before...
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did....." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you....."
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  #40  
Old 09-04-2003, 06:10 PM
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The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"
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  #41  
Old 09-04-2003, 06:11 PM
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A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
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  #42  
Old 09-04-2003, 06:11 PM
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A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"
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  #43  
Old 09-04-2003, 06:12 PM
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This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."
Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."

A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"
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  #44  
Old 09-05-2003, 08:54 AM
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New Medications for Women Only


D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

N A G A M E N T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
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If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> Lilith

~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ Summer Spin Story Challenge Submission Pajamas
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  #45  
Old 09-06-2003, 02:58 PM
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Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi' bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying
doctor and
asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"
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"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."
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They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious
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