The Married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties
------------
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
------------------
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
------------
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

Thoughtfulness
----------------------
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals
----------------------------------------
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You
-------------------------------------------------
* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25

Driving
----------
* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
----------------------
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

Little Johnny II


Little Johnny is in Math class.
The teacher, who is an absolutely stunning brunette in her early 20's, with a schoolgirls uniform on, asks Johnny, "If there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left?"
Johnny replies "None".
Teacher says "I don't think you understand, If you shoot one of the birds, there will then only be three left"
Johnny replies, "No maam, when you fire the gun, all the birds will leave."
Ths stunning teacher scratches her chin and says to Johnny "I like the way you think"
Johnny then says to the teacher "You're married, can I ask you a question?"
She replies yes. Johnny says "Three women are eating ice cream cones; one is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking on it, which one is married"?
The teacher blushes and says "I suppose it would be the one that is sucking it."
Johnny says "No, actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

__________________

Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Spot' I made the mistake of calling mine 'Sex'.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one too!' Then I said, 'But this is for a dog.' He said, 'I don't care what she looks like.' Then I said, 'You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old.' He said, 'You must have been quite a kid.'

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, 'You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me too.'

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, 'I've come for my dog.' She said, 'Which one, Spot or Rover?' I said, 'What about Sex?' She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.' He said, 'What's your point, so did I.' I said, 'But my wife wants to take Sex away.' He said, 'That's what happens in a divorce.'

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, 'What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?' I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up on Friday.

A newfie calls 911

"Hello, is this the OPP?"

"Yes. What can we do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatric! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the OPP officers descended on Mike's house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The next day the phone rang at Mike's house.

"Hey, Mike! Did the OPP come to your house?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

The Versatility of the Word "Fuck"

Famous uses of Fuck

What the fuck was that?
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all these fucking Indians
-- General Custer
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
-- Captain of the Titanic
That's not a fucking real gun
-- John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck
-- Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know?
-- President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll
-- Henry VIII
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out
-- King Harold
Scattered showers my fucking ass
-- Noah
Where the fuck have you been?
-- Stanley to Livingston
Can you smell fucking gas?
-- Captain of the Hindenburg
Fuck you Brutus!
-- Julius Caeser

It can be used when...

Apathetic
Well who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggressive
Fuck you!

Annoyed
I got fucked at the used car lot.

Confused
What the fuck?

in Denial
I didn't fucking do it.

Directing
Fuck off.

in Disbelief
How the fuck did you do that?

Defiant
The fuck you can!

Derisive
He fucks everything up.

in Despair
Fucked again.

in Difficulty
I can't understand this fucking business.

Dismayed
Oh, fuck it!

Displeased
What the fuck is going on here?

Greeting
How the fuck are you?

Ignorant
Fucked if I know.

indicating Incompetence
He's all fucked up!

in Panic
Let's get the fuck out of here.

Perplexed
I know fuck all about it.

Resigned
Oh fuck it.

Suspicious
Who the fuck are you?

To hell with shit, fuck is the ruler of the english language!

(I have no clue if this is true or not)

In ancient England people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in the Royal Family ).
When people wanted to have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and the king gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex.
The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King ) on it .
Hence that's where the word FUCK came from.
Now, aren't you glad you learned something new today ?

Sorry JimJ

The acronym you're quoting is far too modern to be the basis

of the word FUCK. Ancient English was very much like German or

Norse, with short harsh words like Sky, knife, hit and probably

fuck. Well told however.

Just by the way, (setting scene) did you know that may Irish

served with distinction in the Brit forces during WWII.

During the attack on Dieppe, an exercise if futility which cost

thousands of Brit, Canadian and Aussie lives and prisoners, an

Irish Colour Sergeant was captured.

Shortly thereafter two little men in black leather coats came in.

"Vot is your name?" WHACK!!

"Who vas your commander?" WHACK!!

"Vot vere your objectives?" WHACK!!

"Who vere your local contacts?" WHACK!!

"Und please stop hitting me!!"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

oldfart---Many are called;but;few are chosen.Must have been one
of those "Orangemen!" Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

The Birds & The Bees

A momma asked her ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong.

"Oh Mom," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex,
I've got nothing left to live for!!!"

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Penis Compulsion!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Recent studies have shown that women who drink iced tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies show that women who drink long island iced tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back of a camaro with sticky hair.

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.
Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse.
The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually.
156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So girls, if you are not getting your half mile every year,
I'm sure there is someone out there that will help ya !!

Strip Club

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute....
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

David

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's okay, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8 year old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it will grow.
26. Thanks, I need a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is god punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. [#@!$], I hate babysitting.
38. It looks unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbit?
45. Aww, it's hidding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an airpump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people personality.
55. Whee are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."