__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

You've probably seen these before, but, it makes a nice compilation.

TOP 7 SEX JOKES

#7
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her
breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."

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#6
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let
me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
**************************************************
#5
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
**************************************************
#4
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

************************************************** *
#3
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

************************************************** *
#2
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

************************************************** **
#1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors. . . . but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

30. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color!!

31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Yep,

Just like ticking off a checklist.

Wish I still had the energy for some of it.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Not quite a joke.... and somewhat painful at that.... might even not be true....

_______________________

The Darwin award usually goes to the most unusual death of the year. (It is intended to credit those that do the world a favor by removing themselves from the gene pool). This story was a notable exception!

From the Orlando Sentinel.....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining two were asked to leave the course.

Yes, He survived. Ordinarily this would disqualify him for a Darwin. On the other hand, he did permanently remove his genes from the pool.

Three Pints

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He
explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though...."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out
one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he
again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,... don't your
*ears* ever get cold?!?!?":whiteghos

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at
a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture
depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park
bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a
pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the
Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand
why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the
middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black
penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one
in the middle went home for lunch."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Warning

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2
which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as
Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to
run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover
that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to
all my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this
product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst
Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex
Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run.
For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's
memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and
can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products
have no helpfiles and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.
Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with the
original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro
for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every
other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try,
stating that they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Nova programme it often crashes or runs
the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete
all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Stuart McK.Muirhead,
Special Deputy Sheriff, (Certified),Belmont County,Ohio.

__________________
Let time go on its time ridden race.
Never get caught in its snare.
Remember the only acceptable case.
For being in any particular place.
Is having no business there.

Two Irishmen walked into a bar.

One said OUCH!

Go on, beat it, I dare you.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. (You know, we've all done that). It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the
hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

While relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury
required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green
snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake, but hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.


Time passed -------------

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world
-------

About a year later the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to
orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,"What?!"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

A person was told; by his parents;that masturbating would
make him go blind.
He asked his father if he could just do it until he needed glasses. Irish
P.S.Old joke but makes sense.I'll have to tell my eye Dr. that one.
He looks real straight but after he gets to know you;he's just like
anyone else!

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

One of the oldest, but still a goodie.

In their quest to hold their place as the greatest lovers in

the world, the French, among other things, spent nearly

20 million bucks US to determine that the head of the penis

was to enhance the pleasure of the woman.

Not to be outdone, the Italians spent nearly 30 million bucks US

and determined that it was to bring pleasure to the man.

The Aussies, not to be outdone, spent ten bucks for a

Penthouse and worked out it was to stop your hand from

sliding off.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating