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  #46  
Old 01-20-2002, 04:20 PM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Talking Married Life....

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say....

"Who's horny.....?!!!" and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
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"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #47  
Old 01-20-2002, 05:45 PM
MilkToast MilkToast is offline
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a good investment!!!

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) made the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi) Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount And Do.

Pepsi's cheerful spokesman suggested, "It will now be possible for a man literally to pour himself a stiff one."
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  #48  
Old 01-20-2002, 09:05 PM
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I was just watching the"Sopranos"with my wife on HBO.I think
that they are reruns but this struck;my perverted;sense of humor!
Tony Soprano--A rich man and a poor man are talking about their
wives birthday presents.
The rich man says-"I bought my wife a big diamond ring and a
Mercedes car.
The poor man says-"Why both?"
The rich man says-"If she doesn't like the ring;she can return it in
her Mercedes!
The poor man says-"I bought my wife;a pair of slippers and a dildo!"
The rich man says-"Why both?"
The poor man says-"If she doesn't like the slippers;she can go
fuck herself." Irish
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  #49  
Old 01-24-2002, 09:58 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Talking LMFAO!!!

President George Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency;

Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. My people's favourite form of birth control!
This is a disaster!"

"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.

"Oh, and one small favour, please?" said President George.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with
that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.

"I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge,
blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in
dia'meter."

"That's easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."
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"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #50  
Old 01-24-2002, 11:12 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Talking HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE DREADED MAMMOGRAM!!!

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you
will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is
sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
NOW YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!
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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #51  
Old 01-24-2002, 11:15 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Talking Oscar Meyer Weiner

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "Just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling
was......... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"
:whiteghos
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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #52  
Old 01-24-2002, 11:18 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Location: In hearts gone by....
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Talking Never too old for sex!!!!

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just
what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over
there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and
holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old
man.

"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking
chair!"

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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #53  
Old 01-24-2002, 11:20 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Location: In hearts gone by....
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Talking The Ballerina

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk. Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat ballerina a drink!"

Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat ballerina anudder drink!"

Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and asked, "Boudreaux mah frien', I know it's your bidness of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come ya'll keep callin' her a ballerina?"

Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux, to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high has got to be a ballerina".

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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #54  
Old 01-24-2002, 10:05 PM
MilkToast MilkToast is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Western NY
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smart kid

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky"?
Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs"?
The principal's eyes again open wide, and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay"?
Harry: "Okay."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do".
Harry: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first".
(Principal is looking restless and bit tense).
Harry: "Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good".
Harry: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver".
Harry: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of excitement"?
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade---I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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  #55  
Old 01-25-2002, 09:00 AM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Location: In hearts gone by....
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The Ultimate....
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile
teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word,
smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her
grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this
woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again............




DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #56  
Old 01-25-2002, 11:54 AM
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Oldfart Oldfart is offline
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Cool

Yeah.

Nearly put my foot in it.

OF
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  #57  
Old 01-27-2002, 06:50 PM
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sugarfreecandy sugarfreecandy is offline
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For our friends down under...

(Originally from my favourite satire site, SatireWire):

THIS JUST IN.

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) —

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."
Attached Images
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  #58  
Old 01-28-2002, 12:07 AM
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scotzoidman scotzoidman is offline
Turn it up!
 
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ROFLMAO
That's too damn funny, SFC... might know they'd park the country upside down after a bender like that... I hope our Ozzy friends appreciate that as much as I did... always felt Oz was what the US would be if we didn't have our puritanical background hangups... last bit about Aust. rules football killed me, we used to laugh about ESPN in the early days carrying it, and nobody watched it here...
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  #59  
Old 01-28-2002, 06:57 PM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Location: In hearts gone by....
Posts: 6,756
Exclamation The sex Letter...

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE)
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
~54 times the sheets were clean
~7 times it was too late
~49 times you were too tired
~20 times it was too hot
~15 times you pretended to be asleep
~22 times you had a headache
~17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
~16 times you said you were too sore
~12 times it was the wrong time of the month
~19 times you had to get up early
~9 times you said weren't in the mood
~7 times you were sunburned
~6 times you were watching the late show
~5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
~3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
~9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because:
~6 times you just laid there
~8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceilin
~4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
~7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
~1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
~5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
~36 times you did not come home at all
~21 times you didn't cum
~33 times you came too soon
~19 times you went soft before you got in
~38 times you worked too late
~10 times you got cramps in your toes
~29 times you had to get up early to play golf
~2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
~4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
~3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
~2 times you had a splinter in your finger
~20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
~6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
~98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball,playing
video games etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said
was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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  #60  
Old 01-28-2002, 07:00 PM
Lovediva Lovediva is offline
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Location: In hearts gone by....
Posts: 6,756
Talking The Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots
.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat!"
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*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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