...In Newfoundland!

Attached Images

newfie_crash.jpg (40.6 KB, 349 views)

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."

__________________
____________
Nubian

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

__________________
____________
Nubian

My most favorite awards of all...

THE 2001 DARWIN AWARDS

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies and Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)
We present the 2001 "Natural Selection" awards:

5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party, (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from he tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win!

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone."

He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy said, "Five good leads."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

MENSPEAK (THE LANGUAGE OF MEN)
Translations for What Men Say:

"I'm going fishing."
Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear."
Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Means..."I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear."
Means..."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Means.."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."

"That's women's work."
Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Means..."What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise
it could be worse."

"You look terrific"
Means..."Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving!"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll
lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a
hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt
and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and
satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't
be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just
remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

__________________
____________
Nubian

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

__________________
____________
Nubian

Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...


That's it?

Wow - look at all the hair on your back!

Maybe you should start going to the gym more.

That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?

Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?

Wake me when it's over, ok?

I think the condom's too big.

Zzzzzz....

You want me to what?!?

Well, that explains the padded pants.

Did you take out the garbage yet?

My husband's in the Marines.

He's due home any day now.

Is that a toupee?

So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!

No.

Surgery might be able to help.

Not until you've showered.

That must be my mother on the phone.

Your brother's bigger.

Your best friend's better.

Are you done yet?

Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!

Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.

You might want to see a doctor about that.

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! !!!!

__________________
____________
Nubian

Sorry if this has been posted before, but...here goes...

A new game you can play with your wife... called Rodeo...
You mount her from behind, get a good grip on her, then lean over & whisper in her ear,

"This is how your sister likes it..."





Now try to hang on for 8 seconds...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

You must be very experienced.

Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.

Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

I heard carpenters dream about you.

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Look....I can get my whole arm in.

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Is that an optical illusion?

If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.

Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

You're not **that** fat.

I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

__________________
____________
Nubian

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."


"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.

__________________
____________
Nubian

Nubian---I heard a joke with the same;basic;punch line.It concerned a guy;who got bit by a rattlesnake;on the head of his
dick.The Dr. told his best friend that he would die if he didn't suck
;the poison;out! Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Talk about testing the limits of friendship. Ouch! I wonder what you would do in that situation, Irish?:yellghst:

__________________
____________
Nubian

Nubian---I know what I would do;but I would be without a friend
when I did it.In the old motorcycle brotherhood;you always helped a friend but that goes beyond my definition of help!
Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)