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Lets see: things in my sex life that didn't work out as planned:
The towel rod that was not near as strong as I hoped, the shower curtain that was also not very strong, ditto the rocking chair... getting locked out of a car naked at a roadside rest stop in Texas, or wearing jeans without panties while on a motorcyle ride, (ouch), the various stains left here and there on furniture and carpets, going out naked under a long, lightweight coat 3 hours before a cold front came in and I froze my fanny off, (but the sex was great), and of course, carpet burns!!!!!! (knees, elbows, hands, fanny, and shoulders) Car front seats that have too many things sticking out that you bump a head or knee against, depending on what you are doing, and to whom, a rear hatch on a car that came down on us while we were in the doggy position, ( standing outside the car, my hands resting inside) and a car door that blew shut on us- same position, different partner. Car hoods that are too slick and steep to have sex on without sliding off, denting the roof of a car while having sex on it, hitting the horn button everytime your head goes up, burning a bare leg on a motorcycle tailpipe when getting on (and off), and running naked up the beach and jumping into the WRONG parked car.
Sex on the beach, while very erotic, involves sand everywhere (EVERYWHERE), as well as very painful sunburns in odd places, and certain wildlife problems, like ANTS, and stinging flies, and SNAKES.
And certain foods that looked good in the movie that didn't work out well in bed, (like grapes), but cucumbers did, and chocolate is MESSY, as is honey.
Having a close friend shave you in an intimate place, when they have never shaved another person before!!
Home waxing kits! OUCHHHHHHH
Intercourse underwater- hit tubs, pools, lakes, the ocean, *sigh* fun, but the loss of lubrication is a pain.
Sex lubricating gell that has been resting on the store shelf undisturbed for 5 years! (don't ask) Lubes that make you or you partner break out, or DON'T taste like strwberry, but more like a chemical factory waste product.
Sex while sitting on a picnic table. A wooden one. That needed sanding.
Climbing over a fence naked to to get that "special spot"
Sex in a shower in a aprtment with a SMALL hot water heater.
Satin sheets ( I slipped/fell out of the bed) (twice).
Partners who say "my old girlfriend really liked it" and they are lying.
Double penatration with your female lover with a two headed dildo like in the movies, only they don't mention the cevical bruising and 3 days of spotting.
The air that can be forced into your vagina when doing doggy style that decides to come out at really odd moments. (REALLY odd momonts)
The book shelf that he says to hold on to that isn't fastened to the wall.
Guys who say "what's a clitoris?" ( I only wish I was joking)
Having sex on the stairs 'cause he saw it in a movie, only it hurts when you slip from one step down to the next, and the carpet burns that go with that...
Or the guy who has an urgent appointment elswhere just after you have blown him in a doorway, or
You return to a party, having walked to the A & P with a cute guy to get some beer, and stopped in a quiet doorway for some playing, and he forgets to tell you that :
a) your blouse has dried cum stains on it
b) your face has dried cum on it
c) you have dried cum in your hair
d) your bra strap is hanging out of the sleeve of your blouse.
e) your skirt is no longer zipped all the way up in back, and it was when you left.
f) your panties are hanging out of your purse
g) or hanging out of his pocket
h) there is a used condom stuck to the back of your skirt
i) or to the top of your shoe
j) there is something really filthy staining your knees, when you were CERTAIN you were kneeling on a piece of cardboard when you gave him that BJ
k) Your color lipstick is smeared all over his khaki slacks, around the fly,
l) everyone is laughing and watching the security tape from the camera you didn't know about that shows you bent over the hood of his car while he takes you doggy style.
m) there are rust stains on your breasts from when you were on the balcony, and he was taking you doggy style, and you leaned on the railing for support, and it broke.
The REALLY cute, guy, who is a really good dancer, that you have flirted with all night that pecks you on the cheek goodbye when his boyfriend shows up,
OR, the very sexy woman, who is funny and smart and likes to dance and likes old movies too, and Italian food, and doen't think you are a traitor to other women because you are bi and not lesbian, who nelgects to mention that:
a) She is married, and only "curious" about other women, or,
b) her life partner is the 5'10, 220# person who just picked you up out of your chair by the collar of a $150 silk blouse that you just bought, and then shows off by holding all 101# of you over her head, or
c) or her ex- lover is the insanely jealous woman in a tank top and jeans and cowgirl boots, who just dumped a pitcher of beer over you and the same said blouse, or
d) has had a really good time, but she couldn't go out with someone who reminds her of a child (hey, I'm short)
e) says "oh, I am not into sex with other women, I just like to hang out here away from all the guys" (ok, that one I understand, but tell me earlier)
f)"I am not a lesbian, I am writing a story about lesbian bars in New Orleans" or,
g) you and she have just left the bar, holding hands, walking to her place, and her old lover walks up and they instantly forget about you, and walk away hugging and kissing, or,
h) you and she have just comitted a drunken, lewd, very sexually satisfying, act in the corner booth, applauded by all who watched, except for the one tight assed lesbian from New York who complains to the bouncer, who has history with your date, and suddenly you are sitting on the sidewalk outside, your ass hurting, naked from the waist up, your tube top missing, while your date and the bouncer scream at each other as she is being forcibly ejected from the bar, while what seems like everyone you know is watching, and you and she walk half a block before you remember your top, which is balled up in a wad in her fist.
Like that?
(that's all I have time for, there is more)
WW
__________________
"I wondered, am I a lesbian, am I straight, or bisexual? Then I realized that I am just a slut.
So where's MY parade?"
---Margaret Cho
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Well...It was a good idea at the time
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