|
1. A woman whispers "Fuck me
now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self
esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A telephone recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus
should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman
for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from
a sexual relationship.
b) Your Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don’t miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on
the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend
would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend
need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling
a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she’s gained
two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that
it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that
she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh
darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might
as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you’ll
get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and
social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and
social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous
zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner
has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd’s
home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night
stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best
fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give
a damn..."
b) "I’ve got a nasty swelling down
here, Nurse..."
c) "You’re a lovely, fluffy little
sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner
and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual
mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved
in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) A Labour voter anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having
sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately probably incapable of rational
judgement.
c) Fortunately probably incapable of rational
judgement.
d) A tricky defence in court.
23. Which of the following are you
most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population:
you."
c) "I’m not in right now. Please leave
a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the
condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner
clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in
the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and
make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching
you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before
she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the
bus in the first place.
27. You’ve just had the most amazing
and satisfying sex of your entire life. What is the first
thing you do?
a) Call your mates
b) Wake up.
c) Write a letter to Playboy Magazine
d) Call your wife and tell her you’ll be
home late
28. You consider sex quizzes such
as this to be:
a) Puerile, idiotic - but fun.
b) Proof of your ideological superiority
over craven would be surveyors such as myself.
c) Difficult to read.
d) Not quite as funny as a flu jab.
|
Erotic
Stories