The Little Green Garden Snake

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt.

He thought the the snake had bitten him, so he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa, the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the police men drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed -----------------

Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house was re-built, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world

-------

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him !!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, me_carl, that is terrific. LMAO!

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of
lawyers on them, and people were having trouble
figuring out which side to
spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying
a future lawyer? She
has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one
side, and then he lies
on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? One.....The rest
are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light
bulb? How many can you
afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light
bulb? Three, one to
climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the
ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could save only
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your
honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His
partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His
personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some
things even a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a
vulture? Removable wing
tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the
country while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got
first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with
a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton

Careful how you say things ...
 

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1.The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A Potato Story

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called "Yam."

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato," and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, "Frito Lay."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?


OK! Here it is! He's just a Common Tater

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a
few people who do....

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you
charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I turned around
and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX


2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I
had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I
like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI


3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking
at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this
day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD


4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran
amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in
a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

5. A lady picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom."DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Diane E. Amov

6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on him constantly. One
day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have
an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more
time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he
jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!


7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Chinese Guy Calling In Sick:

Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel etter and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon.

You got nice house.

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word: fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated"
The teacher said, "well that was good Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided that there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, " My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."

For those who question everything....

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"

2. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

10. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

11. What do you call male ballerinas?

12. Why ARE Trix only for kids?

13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

17. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

18. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry
me?" After about six seconds of "careful consideration," she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired
of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say "Yes" or did you say "No?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, "Yes, yes I will" and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

The Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!

Things that can Drive a Sane person Insane....

you have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid littlw plastic thing in the middle of them.

the person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and no one gets on.

there's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

you open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

it's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you dont relize it till you walk across your living room rug.

the tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

there is a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

you can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

three hourss and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

you drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

you slice your tongue licking an envelope.

your tire gauge lest out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

a station comes in brilliantly when you are standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

there are always one or two ice cubes that wont pop out of the tray.

you was a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

the car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing

a piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

you set your alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm intead of 7 am.

the radio stationn doesn't tell you who sang that song.

you rub on hand cream and cant turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

you cant look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you dont know how to spell it.

you had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you cant find it.

The Fishin' Pole

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She say, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter i can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said," That is a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and inthe meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right," said the man, "My last four scores were seven years ago."'

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologising profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she
happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had
been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!!! Finally,
she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant
situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against
the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!


Dead Fly.

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit!

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations.

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.

6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

12. A gross ignoramus*"144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

14. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

15. He's been working with glue too much.

16. He would argue with a signpost.

17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

21. A prime candidate for natural DE-selection.

22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

24. He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes

Scienists have discovered that beer contains female hormones. To prove this, they gave 3 men 12 pints of beer, suddenly, they talked shite, gained weight and couldn't drive!!

NEWS REPORTS
 

Here are some rather itneresting news reports:

Weightlifting commentator @ the Olympic Snatch & Jerk:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up & it was amazing!"

Ted Walsh- horse racing commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse & I speak from experience since I once mounted her mother."

Grand Prix race announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

Greg Norman- pro golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother & father."

Ringside boxing analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries & even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot & the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

BBC TV boat race trophy ceremony 1988;
"Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, college football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

US Open TV commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls & kisses them... oh! what have I just said?"