Worst
 

Two Irishmen walked into a bar.

One said OUCH!

Go on, beat it, I dare you.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. (You know, we've all done that). It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the
hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

While relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury
required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green
snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake, but hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.


Time passed -------------

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world
-------

About a year later the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to
orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,"What?!"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." :D :D :D

A person was told; by his parents;that masturbating would
make him go blind.
He asked his father if he could just do it until he needed glasses. Irish
P.S.Old joke but makes sense.I'll have to tell my eye Dr. that one.
He looks real straight but after he gets to know you;he's just like
anyone else!

Knob.
 

One of the oldest, but still a goodie.

In their quest to hold their place as the greatest lovers in

the world, the French, among other things, spent nearly

20 million bucks US to determine that the head of the penis

was to enhance the pleasure of the woman.

Not to be outdone, the Italians spent nearly 30 million bucks US

and determined that it was to bring pleasure to the man.

The Aussies, not to be outdone, spent ten bucks for a

Penthouse and worked out it was to stop your hand from

sliding off.

Married Life....
 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say....

"Who's horny.....?!!!" and she always acts like she's sound asleep!" :D :D :D

a good investment!!!
 

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) made the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi) Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount And Do.

Pepsi's cheerful spokesman suggested, "It will now be possible for a man literally to pour himself a stiff one."

I was just watching the"Sopranos"with my wife on HBO.I think
that they are reruns but this struck;my perverted;sense of humor!
Tony Soprano--A rich man and a poor man are talking about their
wives birthday presents.
The rich man says-"I bought my wife a big diamond ring and a
Mercedes car.
The poor man says-"Why both?"
The rich man says-"If she doesn't like the ring;she can return it in
her Mercedes!
The poor man says-"I bought my wife;a pair of slippers and a dildo!"
The rich man says-"Why both?"
The poor man says-"If she doesn't like the slippers;she can go
fuck herself." Irish

LMFAO!!!
 

President George Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency;

Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. My people's favourite form of birth control!
This is a disaster!"

"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.

"Oh, and one small favour, please?" said President George.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with
that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.

"I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge,
blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in
dia'meter."

"That's easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM." :D :D :D

HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE DREADED MAMMOGRAM!!!
 

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you
will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is
sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
NOW YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED! :D :D ;)

Oscar Meyer Weiner
 

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "Just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling
was......... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"
:whiteghos :D :D

Never too old for sex!!!!
 

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just
what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over
there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and
holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old
man.

"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking
chair!"

:D :D :D

The Ballerina
 

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk. Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat ballerina a drink!"

Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat ballerina anudder drink!"

Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and asked, "Boudreaux mah frien', I know it's your bidness of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come ya'll keep callin' her a ballerina?"

Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux, to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high has got to be a ballerina".

:eek: :D :D ;)

smart kid
 

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky"?
Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs"?
The principal's eyes again open wide, and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay"?
Harry: "Okay."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do".
Harry: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first".
(Principal is looking restless and bit tense).
Harry: "Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good".
Harry: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver".
Harry: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of excitement"?
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade---I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

The Ultimate....
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile
teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word,
smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her
grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this
woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again............




DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES :D :D :D

Yeah.

Nearly put my foot in it.

OF

For our friends down under...
 

(Originally from my favourite satire site, SatireWire):

THIS JUST IN.

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) —

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

ROFLMAO
That's too damn funny, SFC... might know they'd park the country upside down after a bender like that... I hope our Ozzy friends appreciate that as much as I did... always felt Oz was what the US would be if we didn't have our puritanical background hangups... last bit about Aust. rules football killed me, we used to laugh about ESPN in the early days carrying it, and nobody watched it here...

The sex Letter...
 

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE)
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
~54 times the sheets were clean
~7 times it was too late
~49 times you were too tired
~20 times it was too hot
~15 times you pretended to be asleep
~22 times you had a headache
~17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
~16 times you said you were too sore
~12 times it was the wrong time of the month
~19 times you had to get up early
~9 times you said weren't in the mood
~7 times you were sunburned
~6 times you were watching the late show
~5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
~3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
~9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because:
~6 times you just laid there
~8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceilin
~4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
~7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
~1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
~5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
~36 times you did not come home at all
~21 times you didn't cum
~33 times you came too soon
~19 times you went soft before you got in
~38 times you worked too late
~10 times you got cramps in your toes
~29 times you had to get up early to play golf
~2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
~4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
~3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
~2 times you had a splinter in your finger
~20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
~6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
~98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball,playing
video games etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said
was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

The Cowboy Boots
 

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots
.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat!" :D :D :D ;)

A terrible tragedy has happened.....
 

...In Newfoundland! :D :D ;)

Poor service?
 

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

My most favorite awards of all...

THE 2001 DARWIN AWARDS

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies and Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)
We present the 2001 "Natural Selection" awards:

5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party, (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from he tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win!

Confessions of a Catholic Boy
 

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone."

He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy said, "Five good leads."

MENSPEAK (THE LANGUAGE OF MEN)
Translations for What Men Say:

"I'm going fishing."
Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear."
Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Means..."I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear."
Means..."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Means.."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."

"That's women's work."
Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Means..."What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise
it could be worse."

"You look terrific"
Means..."Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving!"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

The truth and nothing but...
 

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll
lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a
hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt
and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and
satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't
be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just
remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

A bit of advice...
 

Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...


That's it?

Wow - look at all the hair on your back!

Maybe you should start going to the gym more.

That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?

Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?

Wake me when it's over, ok?

I think the condom's too big.

Zzzzzz....

You want me to what?!?

Well, that explains the padded pants.

Did you take out the garbage yet?

My husband's in the Marines.

He's due home any day now.

Is that a toupee?

So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!

No.

Surgery might be able to help.

Not until you've showered.

That must be my mother on the phone.

Your brother's bigger.

Your best friend's better.

Are you done yet?

Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!

Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.

You might want to see a doctor about that.

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! !!!!

Sorry if this has been posted before, but...here goes...

A new game you can play with your wife... called Rodeo...
You mount her from behind, get a good grip on her, then lean over & whisper in her ear,

"This is how your sister likes it..."





Now try to hang on for 8 seconds...

Things NOT to say to a naked woman...
 

Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

You must be very experienced.

Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.

Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

I heard carpenters dream about you.

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Look....I can get my whole arm in.

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Is that an optical illusion?

If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.

Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

You're not **that** fat.

I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

How much do I love thee...
 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."


"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.

Nubian---I heard a joke with the same;basic;punch line.It concerned a guy;who got bit by a rattlesnake;on the head of his
dick.The Dr. told his best friend that he would die if he didn't suck
;the poison;out! Irish

Talk about testing the limits of friendship. Ouch!:p I wonder what you would do in that situation, Irish?:yellghst:

Nubian---I know what I would do;but I would be without a friend
when I did it.In the old motorcycle brotherhood;you always helped a friend but that goes beyond my definition of help!
Irish

LMAO. Somehow I knew that would be you answer. He He He.

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,"I just did your grandma, and it was sw-eee-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your grandma liked it!"

Finally the guy has had enough and yells, "Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk!"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.


After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."


A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle.


On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.


As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."