Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

So To Speak.......


A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding--A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

ok 'zoid, you've opened the floodgates...

Why are priests so happy? For 6 days they eat meat, but on friday they have Nun.

It's better to coupulate than never.

Is Marvin Gay?

Why did the man getting a vasectomy buy a 3-piece suit?
so he would LOOK impotant.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Why don't sharks eat clowns? They taste funny.

Critics ARE unbiased - since they have no literary skills they hate all authors equally.

To err is human - to really foul things up takes a computer!

Math problems? Get a rabbit - you KNOW how fast they multiply.

I once knew a cross-dresser - what a panty waste

I don't like dentists - always down in the mouth.

Why are women firefighters so dissapointed in their men?
-After hauling a hose like that around, who caould satisfy her?

For 23 years he had heard "Not tonight, I have a headache"
This night he comes into the bedroom with 2 apirin and a glass of water. Seeing this the wife says, "What's that for, I don't have a headache." "Yippee!" the man exclaims and jumps into bed.
Nonplussed, the wife says coldly, "I've got my period."

whats the differance between a gay bar and a sports bar
1) one is aplace to get sweaty and exsiteted the
other is agay bar.
2)ther is more women in a gay bar.
3)at a sports bar you go to see your team score
at a gay bar you score:p

4) the women at gay bars look better
5) The Karoke people at gay bars don't need to get blotted first
6) sports bars smell like used beer, gay bars smell like perfume

6) "going down" in gay bar is not the same
thing as in a sports bar;)
7) the men are better looking at a gay bar

This is not funny really but I laughed my ass off
 

just sick I guess.........


Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden
behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long
life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't
get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a
woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's
manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual
meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make
sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home
where she found him sitting by the pool with another female
resident-who
was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's




I know that was just so wrong! LMAO!

Is it wrong that I cracked up at that?

Lilith---I have always had;what others described;as a sick sense
of humor!Don't feel bad-I thought it was hysterical.I have come to
realise that what one thinks is funny;another does not!Beauty is
in the eye of the beholder! Irish

Helpful Advice

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

OOOOHHHHH!!!! gives me shivers just THINKING about it!

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she notices an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, a few on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!

That sounds just like my great grandmother. Every time i see her she asks me when was the last time i had some and reminds me that women in our family have a high sex drive and that you should get it on the regular cause it keeps you young.