Here's another one
 

LMAO

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"


The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"


The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

And another...
 

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.


"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop.

Marriage
 

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into
the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looked up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do" she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"

Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today.

:D :D :D ;)

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders
that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says. I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy call his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he
says, "but you just won't believe this--they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the
class." ...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper,like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Oh, damn; I hope you SHOT that
lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
:D :D

The truth shall set you free...
 

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
:D :D :D

Oh, to be young and innocent...
 

A young woman, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

A man one day noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer. Needless to say, he was delighted,
as was his wife.
But after several weeks and nearly nine inches of additional length, the man became concerned and the couple went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple
that, though rare, the man's condition could be cured through
corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" the man's wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well, yes," the wife replied, "You're planning to lengthen his
legs,aren't you?:eek: :D :D :D

Withdrawal method?
 

A mother and her son were flying American Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

He said that she had.

So she said, "Tell your mother that AA always pulls out on time."

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends: buddies for life, eternal bachelors.. until the programmer announces he is getting married.

Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three compadres find out the name and location of the hotel where the programmer will be honeymooning, and bribe the desk clerk to let them in to rig a few 'welcome' surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies in a bar for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.

Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't turn off was a neat trick."

And to the electrician: "And a flickering table lamp with no off switch was cute, too."

Then, shaking a fist at the dentist "But, you! YOU! Novocain in the Vaseline was one cheap shot!"

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it.

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"

"Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.

"All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.

He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load."

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
 

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Hero?
 

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then pushed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow, really hard. When the father blew, the peanut popped out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled with happiness. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
:D :D :D

One more
 

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

Who am I?
 

I'M
ABOUT
8
INCHES
LONG.


MY FUNCTIONING
IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.


I'M
USUALLY FOUND
HUNG,
DANGLING
LOOSELY,
READY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.


I BOAST
A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE END
AND
SMALL
HOLE AT THE
OTHER.


IN USE,
I'M
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY,
SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST
OPENING.

THERE
I'M
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED
BY SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.


ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN
WILL MOST
SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND,
RESULTING
FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.


WHEN FINALLY
WITHDRAWN,
I LEAVE
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE,
TO MY
FREELY
HANGING
STATE
OF REST,
READY FOR
YET
ANOTHER
BIT OF
ACTION.


HOPEFULLY,
I WILL
REACH MY
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN
IT IS
MUCH LESS.


WHO AM I ??



AS YOU MAY
HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY
OWN....







TOOTHBRUSH !!!!!!!!!!!


What were you thinking? You PERVERT! :D :D :D

LMAO. I must admit, you got me there for a while.

Be careful what you ask for...
 

One day a man who had a twenty-five inch penis, went to his doctor for help.

The man told the Doctor he's never had a meaningful relationship. Every time he was about to make love and pulled his pant down, every woman would take one look at his twenty-five inches and get scared to death. The man stated: I've heard comments like: "There no way I can take that thing in me" or "you think you're going to tear up my insides." Doc it's terrible. I've tried surgery, steroids restrictive device, I just can't take it anymore. I'm so lonely, help me!!!!

The Doctor said :Sir the penis is almost all nerves, it would be very dangerous to try to remove any length, there's really nothing medical I or anyone can do. To this the man started to cry.

The Doctor felts so bad, he asked the man did he believe in the occult? The man replied: the occult? Yes the Doctor reply and continued: Well what I'm about to tell you, you might think strange, but I heard it could work for problems like yours. Anything, anything said the man with excitement.

Are you familiar with the pond on Old Dutch and Elm? To this the man replied: "yes." Well the Doctor said quietly, if you stand right at the edge of the pond and look across you will see, on the far side of the pond, a Frog sitting on a Lilly pad. If you ask the Frog to marry you and the Frog says "no", you will loose five inches of your penis.

The man quickly while running to the door replied: " I'll try anything.

When the man reached the edge of the pond. He sees the Frog and immediately shouts: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?" To this the frog replies: "no". The man looks down and to his amazement his penis shrinks five inches.

He let's out a large " WAHOOOOOO" and thinks to himself, "five more inches I'll be fifteen inches and almost a normal man size." Again at the top of his lungs he yells to the Frog: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?" the Frog again replies: "no." And again five inches are removed from the mans penis.

The man is ecstatic and again thinks to himself: " Hmmmmmmm five more inches and I'll be ten inches. Bigger than some men but smaller than others. I will be able to lead a normal life, find a wife to love me and no longer have to buy custom underwear. Shouting again, the man asked the frog: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

Just as loud the Frog responds: " NO, NO, NO."

Death Row
 

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death
row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! he was dead.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was
wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those
shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard,
tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied,
"You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

LMAO :D :D :D ;)

The missing chapter?
 

One day, the seven dwarfs are coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiosity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until, finally, one of them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says: "They're kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're ......."

"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off............"

"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both........."

"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and she gets up to investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's Coming."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."

Why nothing is better than sex!
 

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

Sunburn
 

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village clinic," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn - what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn, the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs"

here's one similar to Irish's


The father walks into his son's room, only to find him masturbating. The father says "Son, you know if you masturbate too much, you'll go blind."

To which the son replies "I'm over here dad."

The husband is lying in bed, when his wife comes in. He passes her a glass of water and an apirin. The wife asks, "What's this for?"
"It's for your headache" he replies.
"But I don't have a headache" she says.
To which the husband replies "Excellent" and turns off the lamp.

An old couple go into the doctor's for to discuss a problem. The husband says to the doctor "I want you to watch us having sex and tell us what the problem is." The doctor thinks this is strange, but feels that he should help out. So, the old couple go at it and when they're finished, the husband asks "So doc, what did you think?"
The doctor says "I can't see any problem at all."
The husband says that he thinks that they still have a problem and makes another appointment to see the doc. Again, they go at it and again the doc says that he see nothing wrong. This goes on for some time until finally the doctor says to the couple "Look, I can't see any problem with the way your making love. Why do you keep coming back?"
The husband replies "Well, we can't do it at the home. We can't afford to pay for a motel room and by doing it this way, we get 80% back on Medicare."

here's some silly jokes
 

Q. What did the cannibal do after he ate his wife

A. He dumped her


Here's a joke from my 5 yr old niece:

Q. Why didn't the bunny hop out of the water?

A. Because he had no legs

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger trailer. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> "4"
>
> "5"
>
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

(If I failed to offend anyone, my apologies)

He said..She said
 

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9)She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea..you stand by the ironing Board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, if you get home before I do, leave hallway
Light on

. . . . . . . and the number 1 "He said...She said". . . . . . .

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there. :D :D :D

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his mind's desire. Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it. Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth. Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked the queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.

Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact he shooed him away. Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor. But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

Next day Birbal duly put that lotion in emperor Akbar underwear"!!!!

Ahmed was called promptly by the emperor again.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied,

"You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

One more...
 

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife.

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to earn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.
Your Husband

When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife

Aviation
 

A pilot said to a hostie ,"You've got to help me, I'm going out

of my mind! I haven't had sex since 1958.""

Hostie says, "Oooh, let me help you."

After passionate sex, he gets up to leave.

"Shit," he says "I'm late!! It's 2230."

Politically correct.
 

Q How does a Priest get a Nun pregnant?































A. Pretends she's an Altar Boy.

Confession is good for the soul?
 

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.

So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

A nun dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question.

"What," asks St. Peter," were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

Q- Why don't single women pass wind {f--t]

A- it's because they don't get an a---hole untill they get married

Did you hear about the two pregnant nuns singing
Bennidictus

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought... I don't fucking think so.....

For Jim,
Re History "FUCK"

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.

English Eighteenth Century Crime.?


Did you hear about the Dyslectic ? Agnostic Insomniac that
was awake all night wondering if there was a really was a dog

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Nun
 

Ancient Nun, about to go to God, is asked by her Sisters

who, if she had the chance, she would like to be.

She thought for a long time and said, in a quiet voice,

"Sarah Pippelini".

The Sisters had no idea, and asked her who Sarah was.

She showed them the local Newspaper.

The Sisters broke into laughter.

The headline read "Sahara Pipeline laid by 20,000 workers

in 17 days."

Top 10 things that sound dirty...
 

10.) Mind if I use your laptop?
9.) Just stick it in my box.
8.) You're getting too soft.
7.) If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6.) I want it on my desk, NOW!
5.) Hmmmmmmm.... I think it's out of fluid!
4.) Her equipment is so old, the end result is always unsatisfactory.
3.) It's an entry-level position.
2.) When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1.) It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there...