Jokes
 

I'm starting this thread for jokes so there is a place to share them without taking up lots of space elsewhere. Hope everyone likes the idea!

CLASSIC DARWINS Hard to believe, but another year has passed... (For those who don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool...) The nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling
noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of
the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own 'gas.' There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage - just the right combination of foods. It appears the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it would not have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a
huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers
got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David
Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 1:30p.m.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look
into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters,
Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the
two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On
an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken
clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Fred

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing.

Straight from Nashville, TN.......
>
Top 15 Country Songs of 2002
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2002 Is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's
a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with us.

IN THE HOSPITAL..

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The Doctor


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. Besides, you are single, Just let it go".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality
whispering..

Dave, you're a veterinarian.

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.


Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.


An application was for employment

A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.



Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy ,
You hoped nobody found out.



Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.


Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.


Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.



I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Sally, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sally's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a wonderful feat!" said the Emperor. "Now Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ahhh, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and Swooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision..... THAT takes skill!"

Hiya,

Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was better with computers. Finally God suggested a way to settle it: Each would spend 2 hours using the computer to create databases, spreadsheets, charts and tables, and most importantly, web pages, the most beautiful web pages.

The two sat at their keyboards and began typing furiously. Just before the 2 hours were up, the power went out. Once it came back on, they booted up their computers.

"It's gone! It's all Gone!" Satan screamed. "My work was destroyed!"

Meanwhile, Jesus began to print and show his work. "Hey, he must have cheated!" Satan yelled. "How come his stuff wasn't lost?"

God shrugged, and said simply, "Jesus saves."

For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, ...the paybacks are:



Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop and ask for directions.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds eventually will mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
A. They all already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. Why are married women usually heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Tape the remote control between his toes.

Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. "I must be able to do better than THAT!".

Q. What did God say after creating Eve?
A. "Practice makes perfect".

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're all married.

Q. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" A. God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "....So she would love you!"

Quickie
 

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration dinner at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order, and she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad.

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'.

VERY good. Thanks!

"At the Beep"

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

"Chalkboard Culprit"

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

Hunting


A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

... They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

From Cradle to Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

Sixth Sense
 

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.” He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

WHERE DO REDHEADS COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be. Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard
for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently, "it's rust."

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

The Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose--from among many men -- a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girl friends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

The sign on the second floor reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," say the girls, "but, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"
And so again, they go up.

The fourth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," say the women, "but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the Fifth floor they go -- and the sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please!! Thank you for shopping, and a have nice day."

Computer error



I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So,what was wrong?" and he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran over my face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Experienced Driver?????

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,they came to an Intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Ruth, in the passenger seat, thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The
light was red and, again, they went right through. This time, Ruth
was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red, and they blew right through it. She turned to the driver and
said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights
in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

Giving Pills To Pets



HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

Wrap it in bacon.

NOW............

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.

GOD vs Scientist..


God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him.

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning"

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me, " replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no" interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.

Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well.

Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.

Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry

REDNECK COMPUTER REPAIRMAN


Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Hillbilly woman


A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a urine specimen.

When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a urine specimen?"

He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.

What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a urine specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go shit in her hat, and then all hell broke loose!"

Two middle aged priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, flowered shirts, large straw hats, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they put on their sun block and went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a cool drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding to each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world could she possibly know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again the two priests in their "costumes" settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the
same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing her string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and began to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Wait! Just a minute young lady."

"Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests and have been for many years but I have to know, how in the world did you know we're priests dressed as we are?"

"Hey, Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.

:)
 

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

How's THIS for a "FACT OF THE DAY"....

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of
sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that
actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are
spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you
wonder why the ocean is so salty..........pass it on.......
Don't swallow the water!!!

For St. Paddy's Day...
 

Ah the Irish


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.

________________________________________________

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
__________________________________________________ __

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."

"Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
__________________________________________________ __

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'
__________________________________________________ _______

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin. There's no paper on this side either."

I LOVE the one about the Guiness Stout!!!!

Power of Faith (Casper, this one's for you!) ;)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Austrailia so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."


The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly
happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Men and Bright Women

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What is that Lord?"

"It will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," said Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring..so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."