Making the move?
 

Hello folks

If you read my comments in men and vibrators, U know I have some probs.

This has gone further in that now I'm really tired of approaching spouse or making first move only to get rejected. I never want her to do it, when she does not want to, but rejection and there has been a lot has really worn me down. I'm so down with getting rejected.

Any ideas on How you make the first move without it being pressurising and without losing spontaneity?

I sometimes feel that she NEVER thinks about sex - I know it is not the only element in a relationship, but I'm sure that it is important to feel wanted and loved with apssion.


Any thought or comments? Even if it is belt up and wank yourself stupid.

Wildeye

Just so confused

Ohh

And another thing - saying NO. I ventured recently to say that my sex drive had dropped - spouse was mortified and really got worked up - angry. Lots of stuff Did I not like her? Was she over-weight? Was she not sexy enough etc?


I have found that I cannot say No to a woman, because they just get so so offended - I have done it when I really did not want too, but rather than offend I just shut up. When I told spouse she was totally amazed - she thought that guys always want it and just do it forever - could not understand that EVEN guys sometimes do not want sex..

So girls - can your men say NO? Or would you be offended?

Clearly it is totally ok for a woman to say no, any guy who thinks otherwise is totally shit - but can a guy say No?

Wildeye - so tiredly wild

I went through the exact same thing for 8 years with my ex. I just want you to know you aren't alone. I'm not sure I have any profound advice for you, but I do know one thing. This problem is bigger than the both of you. Run, don't walk, to someone that you two can talk to. A marriage counselor. A sex therapist. Somebody. This isn't one of those things you can suffer in silence. You said that there is more to marriage than sex. True. But only when it's not an issue. Believe me, when you are rejected, frustrated, and filled with self doubt because of it, it takes center stage. Likewise when your partner feels pressured, undesirable, or unamorous. You both have a lot to work out and I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

Also...

Perhaps by you telling her no and by her getting upset by it would be a good starting place. Seems as though it may be a way to give her some insight into how you feel. I'm not saying that one of you is right and one of you is wrong for the way you each feel...rather that just being able to empathize with the other is a good way to approach it.

I agree with darogles advice! You two need to seek professional help here. Someone who isn't going to take sides. I wish you all the best! I hope everything works out for you!((((((hugs)))))))

I'm fixin to confuse you some more.:) Okay, How do you know she never thinks about sex? Yeah she does. every woman does. Maybe you never give her the chance to make the first move? Do you ask her daily? Do you pay attention to her only when you want sex? I was on the other side of the fence one time and I was totally turned off by being constantly hounded for sex. Yeah me! LOL:p You know the question I hate the most? Am I gonna get some tonite? Now there's a sure fire turnoff for the evening. I don't make appointments for sex! I wanted just once for him to give me time to seduce him. I wanted to make love to him when he was least expecting it. Play it my way. I don't think telling her no is going to solve the problem. That's just going to cause another argument that you don't need and feelings will get hurt. When's the last time you sent her flowers just to say I love you? When is the last time you took her somewhere romantic? wrote her a loveletter? Told her she was beautiful and sexy as hell? Just ask her what turns her off. Something you're doing apparently does. If you're not , Then she needs to see if there's a hormonal problem. Then again a spouse will quit having sex because she is getting it from somewhere else too.


Any ideas on How you make the first move without it being pressurising and without losing spontaneity?


Yeah. Don't make the first move, give her time. If you think you have allowed a reasonable amount of time, it's time to talk. I don't know how long you two have been married but, sometimes it's not easy to keep the spice in your sex life. You have to work at it and you HAVE to COMMUNICATE.

These are all great answers to me. My sex drive is higher than my husband's. So, I feel at times I hound him for it more than he wants it. I wish he would just need and want me so bad but instead I am probably buggin' him for it too much and don't give him a chance to ask me. So this all applies to me too. I know he loves me dearly but having someone "want" you that much is a wonderful feeling. I wish he would do all the sweet things CGT said up above, that stuff would melt me, but he's just now "showy" like that. You should have the openness to talk thru this tho without hurting eachother. I have been thru the same thing "I am too fat, you don't love me" all of it, but I know it's not true in his eyes.
Good luck!

Thanks for the advice

Heck I have made mistakes..

But recently I have sent (last week) posted card with love poem and words about how I feel about her, talked endlessly, never been insensitive about her needs or say can we fuck tonight.

Just kina lost - but I will talk to her more.

Thanks

folks

wildeye

Thinkin' bout ya and hope everything works out!!!!

I read an interesting quote from Billy Connolly recently:

'Men need to make love to feel love, women need to feel love to make love'.

I think this is one of the biggest problems men and women face sexually and it's such a chicken and egg situation that it's very difficult to resolve.

My advice (speaking from personal experience of being in your wife's situation) is to shower her with genuine affection with no expectations of sex.....kiss her spontaneously when she's not expecting it, and when there isn't a chance of it turning into a sexual situation, for example in the car before you get out of it to go to the Supermarket, this way she'll know that you are not making an approach for sex, but just one for romance and love.

Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is, in a way that makes it clear you aren't just sweet talking her for sex, and don't expect instant results.....I'm thinking 3 months or so of totally laying off about the sex issue and making her feel like the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman in the world should start to make a difference to the way she sees herself and your relationship.

Finally, I'd say wait for her to make the first move, and when she does, spend hours and hours doing the things that please her, going at her pace. If she makes a move but then it doesn't go any further than kissing then so be it.

In short, I'd approach the situation as if you were both teenagers who'd just started dating and as if she were a virgin. Go slow and let her take the lead.

I love that quote by Billy Connolly! So true!