need advice on touchy topic
 

Ok. I feel a little unconfortable bring all this dirty laundry up in public, especially since I've only been on this board about a week. But on the other hand, ya'll are some of the least judgemental people in the world, so here goes.

My mother-in-law and I have a really good relationship. I like her, she likes me, and it's all cool. She and dad-in-law have a kinda open relationship, although i don't think they ever actually sat down and decided this...I think it just sort of happened and mostly on mom-in-laws part.

MIL has a friend that she works with, Don. For a while, we have suspected that Don is more than just a friend, but lately, he's been all up in her shit. Everywhere she goes, he tags along, and usually with one hand on her ass or chest. And generally also right in front of everyone, including my father in law.

Don has started integrating himself into family occasions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, funerals. NOBODY likes him, mostly becuase he's a fucking creep and I think he might also be a pedophile - not sure about that yet, and I hpe I never find out. He makes everyone, especially my husband and me and me very uncomfortable, and we really feel that father in law is being seriously disrespected by this joker.

I guess my question is, Is it my business? Is this something i should confront my mother in law about?

I can't speak from personal experience, but I think if it really makes you uncomfortable you should confront her in a non confrontational way.

You damn right it's YOUR business when she brings him to a family function. First ask "dad" how he feels about all this before you say anything to mom. If it doesn't bother him then there's nuthin you can do. If it does then lay it on her.

LOL^^^^

It's not really your business. You can easily ask her if he will be attending family events and if he is choose not to go. She will get the message and you will keep the peace.

I believe I'd have the right like I said if it was a "family" function. But as far as their personal life, NO.
I can't imagine dad not being man enough to tell her if he didn't like it.*shrug*

Here's my :cents:...

What happens between your mom-in-law, dad-in-law, and this guy is there own business....behind closed doors. When it starts making its way into public and family functions, well that's a different story.

If this guy is making an ass of himself, and feeling up mom in front of everyone (especially the kids!) then yes you and the rest of the family have every right to speak up. It's not only disrespectful to your father in law, but to everyone else. What kind of message are they sending to the kids that are around? That it's ok to treat women like that? Bullshit.

Granted it should be your father in laws place to say something, but for whatever reason he feels as though he shouldn't. I don't see anything wrong with the rest of the family saying for him though. Get the rest of the fam to back you up and then get on this guy.

pops in law and I have not talked about this, but I have a feeling that the reason he doesn't speak up is that he is afraid my mother in law will leave him. He worships her beyond all reason...obviously.

As far as getting in Don's face, BELIEVE ME everyone wants to, but no one really feels like it's their place to.

When I decide for aure on a course of action I'll let you know, and keep you posted, but right now I'm still feeling everyone out.

Thanks for your help so far everyone.

I'd tell your MIL privately how Don's presence at family functions and mannerisms bother you. One-on-one...and I'd stick to how it makes YOU feel. Leave mention of anyone else out (including your husband, FIL, and any other siblings) ~~ after all, you are really only qualified to speak for yourself.

I wouldn't ask for immediate remedy, I'd just let her know how uncomfortable you feel, and that if it keeps up you may not attend many family functions. Let her make her own decisions.

Above all else, I'd avoid being accusing. Talk about how YOU feel, not about how wrong she is...or anyone else. :)

My 2C

All good avice so far...but I'm worried about something you said that hasn't been touched on. Is there a child who might be in harms way of your suspicion of Don being a pedophile? What gave you cause to think this? If that's too personal to answer here...at least answer it for yourself. I'm of the notion...where there is smoke, there is usually/eventually fire. Even if you can't comfront you MIL or FIL with everything else that is going on...you simply can't ignore it if Don does demonstrate acts of pedophilia. This is something you must make your concern...no matter who gets pissed off at you for butting in! Better safe than sorry. You say this is something you'd rather not know about...but sweety...this is something you CANNOT ignore! Keep close tabs on this bozo and don't turn the other cheek if your suspicion gets so strong that it upsets you. It is your duty as an adult to protect the children that may come to harm from this guy, or any other pedophile, out there!

My thoughts are with you!

[~With the information as stated~]

As far as the effect of this creeps’ disrespectful presents goes, my FIRST thought is that it would fall to your husband (and any other adult siblings), AFTER uniform resolve, to state it DIRECTLY (and preferable separately) to the offender. It sounds as if the MIL/FIL relationship has all the complexity it needs without parent/child factors. While MIL will be fully aware, it may help apply the pressure directly to Don instead of making her the fulcrum point.

Without doubt, Lixys’ concern is the strongest reason for you to confront anyone in this situation.

This IS the place where you have EVERY right (and responsibility for that matter) to become involved. The resolve of this issue, both has rank AND may answer your more personal concern.


:cents:

Do you have any way to quietly find out this person's history?

Is he registered with the cops or on the 'Net in any way.

Predatory maggots don't just appear, they form somewhere and leave a slime trail.

Knock him on his ass
 

If that were my mum or MIL I know what I would be doing. I would grab this joker by the collar, drag him outside and pound the living crap out of him. Simple and straight forward as that. There is no subsitute for disrespectful people, regardless if they have an open r/ship or not. If you are not one to fight, then get a brother or male friend to do it for you. Make sure that you have the entire fam's backing to do it before hand, so you won't look like an ass when it happens.

LAW,
I would confide in hubby. This is his mom. He may know what is going on, but do not want anyone to confront his parents on it. You do not want to step out of turn and isolate yourself because you opened up a can of worms that others rather have kept it alone.
About Don. I would agree with others that if you have suspicions about him and kids, then do not leave any kids alone with him. Keep an eye on him. Don't turn a blind eye. It is one thing with your FIL or MIL, but with kids involved, they need protection and guidance. They shouldn't be doing their things in front of kids. So if it does come up, maybe bring it up at that angle. If he cannot keep his paws to himself then he should stay away for public family gatherings.

So here's an update on the situation

My father in law has finally had enough. he laid down the law with my mother in law and ordered Don out of the house. He said that he was never to come in the house again or be around his children or his grandson ( my son) and if don ever showed up again, he would kill him - which may be a little extreame, but that was probably the Jack-N-Coke talking. Anyway, it's been a bit of a falling out between them. Don has not been at the house recently, but they do work together and they do go out after work sometimes. This of course, irritates my father in law to no end. He is considering divorce, but our state is a community property state. For the non-initiated, that means he gives up a claim to half of everything, 401k, equity in the house, stocks, bonds, savings, everything but debt, of which he will be stuck completly with becuase it's all in his name. They ARE in counseling, but that is at a stalemate and will not move any further until according tothe therapist "they have a two person and not three person relationship."

My husband was in on leave for the last two weeks, and we clued him in on what happened. he has talked to his mom and dad about it and has made it clear that we don't want Turner (our son) around Don. His mom was a little offended, but i guess that her problem. I am very comforted by the fact that every family friend I have discussed this with agrees with me about my perception of him.

So for the Cliff's notes: don is a douchebag, everyone knows it but MIL and Mr. LAW has laid down the law with the family. the end. :)