How do I date again after a broken heart????
 

I want to say pixies is a great site and the people on here are some extremely nice people as well, so here I am asking for some advice that I can really use at the moment.

Today reality hit me hard as I realized that my relationship I have been in with someone is really truely over forever. I have tried unsuccesfully to make things right again and it just isn't gonna happen and I can really use some good advice.

I have been in a relationship for over two years with someone very special to me. Actually, special is an understatement I care about this person very very deeply. For the past month or so things have really changed between us alot. I admit I have to take most of the blame for the way things turned out but not all the blame. However, I have hoped things would have worked out for us but I have come to realize that it probably isn't because he does not care about me like I thought he did and this is very hard for me to deal with to be honest is what hurts so much. I am feeling lost right now and probably will be for quite awhile as it seems. I have been in relationships before (not many)and all have been long term but not one of them has ever made me feel like this and I don't know what to do to snap out of it. Friends are trying to fix me up on dates etc. but finding someone is not the hard part I am just not interested and I want no part of it. I am a attractive nice looking woman and getting a date is not the problem at all. The problem is how do I begin to move on? Do I start dating right away and just jump right back in or what? When I was younger (I am 37) I never thought twice about it and don't even remember ever feeling like this but I just don't know what I should do. I feel silly asking this but maybe some advice from some of you will ring true. I think maybe as we get older it just doesn't get any easier either. Has anyone been in my shoes and if so what do you recommend I try doing? Should I jump right back into dating (even though my heart is just not in it) and who knows maybe I will be just fine or do I sit back and take some time and just put him out of my mind and maybe it will all fade with time? I don't want to forget about him and I probably never will and that is what I am so afraid of is that I just won't be able to move on with anyone else because I already know that he is the one who will be in my heart always. I adored him so much and I never laughed or had so much contentment with anyone also when you have the most mind blowing, ultimate, outrageous, intense sex you have ever had in your life how do you ever settle for less? I already know I never have sex like that good again and I have been used to this for years now. Any advice I would really appreciate for you all.

How do you give advice to someone who has been through this even though I have been through it as well? Each person is different, and since I don't know exactly what you are feeling and the depth of feelings you have for this person, it is difficult to give suggestions.... so I can tell you what I did. I was 33 at the time.

First of all, I analyized the relationship and realized that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I decided that in order for me to move on, I needed to rediscover myself. I worked on me. I did things that interested me. I traveled. (What did help me was that I had 2 kids that depended on me - that helped as distraction.) I reconnected with family. I joined a group (weight loss). I even tossed around the idea of going back to school.

Basically I decided that what I wanted at the time wasn't meant to be (difficult to admit, but I had to do that), in order to move on. Then when I felt a lot better about myself, and realized that I was in control of me, I met my soul mate. Out of the blue this man appeared. The timing was right and even though it was difficult to trust again, I realized that I wasn't going to lose anything if I did trust vs. not trusting. I tried again, and to be honest it was the best decision I have ever made.

It will be difficult, but as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. It is o.k. to dwell in the feelings of lose, but you need to kick yourself in the butt and decide that YOU are IMPORTANT, and YOU are in CONTROL of what you want.

Until you decide for yourself that you are able to move on, all the advise in the world won't help you. This is what I did, and the results of my decisions. I know it hurts, but you will survive and go on. I will be thinking of you............

Sex-24-7 Thank you for sharing your expierence with me. I too have two children and a full time job that I love, I have alot of friends and I am very fortunate that way. I too have done the school thing more then once. I am very outgoing and I try to be a very positive person about mostly everything. I felt silly writing all this on here but I wanted some advice from people who don't know me because friends basically tell you what they think you want to hear. I also don't tell my frinds everything either. I know time will heal how I am feeling but being in the moment it just plain sucks. I will miss posting pics of me and him on here too. Maybe I should just post some of me...hahaha I really enjoyed doing that. hahahaha. Again thanks for your kind words and it was nice to read that you found your soul mate. Maybe I to will be as lucky as you!!! :)

Don't feel that you are being silly about expressing your feelings. This is a good outlet. You will be o.k. And, if you need to "spout", you know that your friends at Pixie's are here.

Now you can be creative about your pics. I just need to get my courage up......... :D

Sex 24-7 Be brave girl... I'll post some if you do...hahaha:D

I agree with Sharniqua.

Missy, all I can do is offer what I have learned from my personal experiences. Between being married and dating/living together before hand, I had been with my ex for almost 7 years. So I know what you mean about wondering what to do once it finally sinks in that it is over with.

I thought about it, my ex was dating when she left, so I know what her decision was. But for me, I decided to wait till I was ready for it. I have been on a few dates with friends, but nothing real serious here. Saw one girl that finally showed me that I could feel again, but even with that I want to make sure that there isn't anything that will come between us if we do end up in something more serious.

Basically just give yourself time is my opinion. You will know when you are ready again and know when it is with the right person. Nothing says you have to have someone there to make yourself whole, I had to learn that. But when I do finally get back into a serious relationship with someone, I know that I will be a better person when I do.

After re-reading this I sound like I am rambling. But I hope some of this helps you a little. Just know that you have people here that will listen and offer you every bit of encouragement you need with what ever your decision is. :)

Dallas...you are very kind. Thanks for taking the time to respond with your very encouraging words and thoughts. The as you put it "the finally sinking in part" is what's hard just knowing their not going to be here anymore is tough.

My pleasure, Missy.

Anytime you need to talk, just let me know. Always have a ear and a shoulder for use.

Just stay true to yourself and you will make it through it.

Missy, I don't have a whole lot to add to what sex-24-7 and Dallas already said; more of a "confirmation" really. My wife & I split up a year ago in August... my fault totally, and something I regretted immediately I did it! Having read a lot, and spoked to a number of good friends, I decided most of them were right in saying I wouldn't have done what I did if I'd been happy... even though I felt gutted at the time. So, I thought long and hard, and came to the conclusion I hadn't been happy; and I now felt freer and more relaxed than I had for years.

(Boring.... fast-forward!) Anyway, after a few months of nothing, not even dating, I signed up to a couple of dating sites (AND Pixies.. 2nd best move I ever made :) ) and 3 months ago met a gorgeous lady, online. Things are going very well - we have a lot in common, and enough differences to make things interesting. Bonus is, my wife is also dating a nice guy (I met him last week, for the first time) and we get on 1000% better now... which has improved the relationship I have with my daughter.

Looking back, it was a horrible way for my wife & me to find happiness - both endured a LOT of grief to get where we are now... but, selfishly, I have to say it was worth it.

<Dallas, THIS is rambling!!> Point is Missy, I think you have to "go at your own pace".... that special "someone" IS out there, and you'll likely bump into him when you least expect it!!

Best of luck, and enjoy it when it comes! ;)

DM

Missy1965

To add my two cents:

1. Don't date until you feel you want to. Otherwise you'll just be getting involved with guys while you still have 'baggage' from your other relationship and you could actually make life a lot worse for yourself and the guys you date.

2. Don't believe that you'll never have sex or a strength of feeling like that with someone else ever again. EITHER: the relationship is right for you, in which case, this isn't the end of it, OR: the relationship is not 'the one' for you and there will be another who gives you the same, if not a greater thrill than the lover you have lost. Just go with the flow. Let nature take it's course and try not to be too impatient. Things happen for a reason.

Chin up sweetie-pie. We'll look after you. :)

aka that was very sweet. I think I will take your advice and wait awhile too. I would like to say that the responses I have gotten from all of you on here and all the private emails are very helpful and I am trying to look at things from another way except of how hurt I am. I am honestly exhausted of tryng anymore and getting no where fast... It just isn't gonna work out I know that now so after awhile I will just move on to who knows what is in my future. Thanks again all.

My advice, in addition to what you have gotten already, is to spend time with your friends and get out and do things, rather than sitting home feeling hurt. It's often hard to have a good time when you're down, but it helps you recover. Good luck Missy!

Happy New Year to everyone!!!!

I agree with 24x7's response.

Quite a number of years back, an ex-fiance decided to dump me on my ear 2 weeks before the wedding. I was devistated. But, I kept on doing what else. I didn't *want* a man in my life! I sort of had a woman, but that was self-limiting for a few reasons, including her 3 children. I really *appreciated* her, but I could not have been a live-in stepmother to her 3 children. I'd get along fine with them 1 at a time, 1 on 1 though.

Anyway, I kept up my friendships, kept up my political activity. Somewhere in here I gained a new friend who was a 100% gay man (Very rare, IMX. Most who say they are "gay" are actually bi). Anyway, I got to know him very well. He ended up being the one who helped me and allowed me to work through issues I had with men *and* gave me someone whose shoulder it was *safe* to cry over my first woman lover; a very special lady whom I will never forget. :) Anyway, I can keep remembering her without having her interfere with present relationships now. :)

There was one day that I had a BAD day at work. It was nothing in particular that anyone did to me, nor anything in particular that didn't work right. It's just one of a lot of little things just one after another. I got everything taken care of, and I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE!!! I had to leave before I got "grabbed" to "fix" something else! It could all wait until the next day, or someone else could "fix" it. I couldn't walk to the Coke machine, I couldn't walk to the water fountain. I went to the coffee shop where a political meeting was held later. I could get a Pepsi there. Well, the place was full of teens! They were generally good kids, but I didn't have a lot in common with them. I HAD TO find something to read. Well, I found a personal's ad in the paper for someone wanting to trade sci fi books. I called the ad. I met him, had something to eat, went to a movie. The next date, traded some books. Then more later. Well, eventally I married him for the whole collection! :D

Moral of the story: I wasn't even *looking* for someone to date, to love, or to spend my life with. I found him anyway. I had to straighten out some of the old things in me first before I could really give him "my all".