Ex-boyfriend Problem
 

Okay, I don’t usually like to discuss things like this…But I’m having a serious problem and I don’t know what to do, pixies is the only place that I feel comfortable enough to ask for help.

I broke off a bad relationship around the first of January, this man was living in my house. I loved him, I really did. I lost my virginity to him and had planned to marry him--until I got to know him for who he really was.

I’m not here to beg for sympathy or anything, so I’ll skip the really emotional stuff…But he wont leave me alone. He has since moved out of state, but I still get phone calls (and one email) from him. I don’t want to have my number changed since so many people know it and I’ve had it forever…I don’t think it’d do me much good to change it.

This evening was the real downer for me. He calls and I see that it’s his mobile on the caller ID so I don’t answer, he leaves a message on the machine where he’s all teary and upset and “just needs to talk” to me. So of course I picked up the phone, being the person that I am I just want to make sure he’s okay…He concocts this big story about his family trouble and how much he misses me and wants to come home to me because he “loves” me.

I DON’T love him, and I DON’T want him to “come home” to me. I tried to handle the situation as delicately as I possibly could, but of course it ended the way all of our conversations do--with him screaming and me crying.

I hung up on him and he actually had the audacity to call back and yell at me on the answering machine :rolleyes2

He says he’s coming back to TN in a month to see his friends and he wants to pop in to see me, and that worries me extremely. He has never hit me, but he’d never screamed at me and called me “cunt” and “whore” before either. In short, I’m afraid of him. I just don’t know what to do….My mom went through the same thing when she divorced my dad and she got a restraining order, which she will forwardly tell you is the most useless piece of paper the courts can issue.

Have any of you ever experienced this or anything like it? If so…How did you handle it? I need help.

((((((((((hugs))))))))) unless you completely cut him off, he will continue to see his behavior as paying off in your attention. Don't answer the phone. No matter what he says, don't pick it up. If he doesn't stop calling then at least you can evidence to take to authorities but if you keep giving in then whatever he is doing is working for him and he will continue to do it, and it could even escalate.

I've been through that cycle, though much deeper than you have, unfortunately. I have to agree with Lilith on this one... you have to stop talking to him, even when he cries and begs. I know that was one of the most effective weapons my ex had with me. Though if you haven't told him flat out that you don't want to see him, make sure that you do. If/when you do talk to him... try as hard as you might not to be affected by his screaming. If you remain calm, it'll help immensely. And don't be afraid to hang up on him after you've said what you need to say. I'm sorry that you're going through this. (((hugs))) But just be strong.

best of luck to ya

He really needs to understand you are done. Cut it off cleanly despite your kindness. Kindness is not fair to either of you now. Next time he calls, let him know, in clear terms, that you are through with him and that he is no longer welcome. It will be kinder to both of you.

Good luck.

I'm with the other's on this. You have to cut him off at the knees.(so to speak)
Stop answering your phone and if he leaves a message just ignore it or rewind the tape. Either way, you have to send him a clear and concise message. If that doesn't work, go to the police and tell them that you are getting unwelcome phone calls.

I agree with the others on this. Don't even enter into a dialogue with him about anything.

He's manipulating your good nature to try to bring you around to his way of thinking.

I know you're thinking that 'what if this time there really is something wrong' but if you've ever heard of the boy who cried wolf, you'll know that people get what's coming to him. If one day he calls and he really is 'not ok' and you ignore the call, then that's HIS fault and not yours. He's not a part of your life anymore. He's not your responsibility and if he genuinely did love you he'd respect your right to live a life without him causing upset.

cherrypie7788,

Don’t speak to him.

Send him an email by reply to his – if you have not deleted it – and put what you have to say in writing. Emails, as Microsoft, Enron, and others have learned, are admissible evidence in court.

Good luck.

a restraining order is only as good as the person holding it
 

I know what kind of fear your in and i am sooo sorry to hear that you are going thru this . here are my thoughts:
get a restraining order anyway what they fail to tell you when you do get one is that you must without fail call the cops every single time that he violates it which can be hard to follow thru with but if you don't then you are responsible for it not being any good. that said, here is more useful advice do you own a bat or a gun? only partly serious there. Do you have any friends who can stay with you while he is in town nothing slows down a good heated discussion much better than a third wheel some one who can call the cops if necessary. Try not to be alone with him at any time if you do decide to "talk" with him again it'll slow down that possibility of things getting out of hand .
Is it possible for you to be "out of town" while he is in town?
these are my best suggestions I'm sure there are others but I can't think of anything more right now. And know that my thoughts are with you be strong (you can be btw) I know you can do anything that you need to so do it right. and good luck .

Sweetheart,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. you don't deserve it.

I'm going to jump on the "don't talk to him" bandwagon. Do not answer the phone when he calls. Do not talk to you him if you see him on the street. You don't have to be rude about it, but if you don't acknowledge him, then eventually he will realize you are not interested in talking to him ever again. i know it's harder than it sounds, but, to quote the best movie ever "YOU CAN DO IT!" If he pulls a guilt trip, remember, he is no longer your problem. He can call someone else and cry to them.

When he comes in town, LEAVE. Do you have an out of town friend that you can go to? If not, rent a room at the Super 8 in the next town over for the weekend.

And, as someone else said, it might not be a bad idea to keep a bat or gun, or at least some pepper spray handy...just in case.

Best of luck, sweetheart. I hope this works itself out for you.

LAW

(((hugs))) I agree with the others as well. But if it were me- I'd definatley change my number.

GL
Barb

Hi all, and thank you for all the replies...Things look a lot brighter this morning than they did last night when it happened.

I am going to stop answering his calls, and if he comes here I wont see him. I don't think that it'll come down to me having to (physically) protect myself, especially once he sort of comes to his senses and realizes what's happened is permanent. He has to do that sometime.....

The worst thing he can do to me is call me and make me think something is wrong with him, even though I KNOW in the back of my mind that there's nothing wrong. I'm not going to let that happen anymore either.

Thank you all SO much, I really do appreciate you all! {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

I too agree with the others.
Change the locks on your place and mke sure he can't get in.

when the phone rings and it's his number immediately go and turn the volume down on your answering machine so that you won't be guilted into picking up the phone, then proceed to engage in some activity that will keep you busy for at least an hour (shopping, a good movie, baking, whatever), just don't think about the answering machine and the message he left. Only listen to the message when you are feeling strong and prepared... you know what it will say before you listen, just don't let it tug at your heartstrings. The phone is the only way he has to stay connected at this point and each time you respond to his pleas is allowing him to still have a connection to your life.

chreeypie, sorry you're going through this! My only new comment is that I would **never** rely on a man's restraint when his ego is in question. Go buy the pepper spray, or something to protect yourself. If nothing else, it will give you peace of mind.