From the page: "Actual writings on hospital charts:
 

Real? Maybe, maybe not. Funny? :nod:

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

* Skin: somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

:roflmao:

circus sized :roflmao:


along the same lines, i came across these one day and stuck 'em in a word file cause they made me laugh so hard. evidently these are quotes from actual insurance claim statements

-Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

-The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions.

-I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

-I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

-A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

-A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I could hit him.

-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

-I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

-I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I hit the pedestrian instead.

-My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

-An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

-I told the police that I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

-The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

-I saw a slowly moving, sad-faced old man as he bounced off the roof of my car.

-The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

-I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

Does this constitute the beginning of a trend?

Stray cows? :huh:

:roflmao:

Just goes to show how important a little comma or proper word order can be.

"The patient refused autopsy."

Just no cooperation at all. :banghead:

:roflmao: Those are terrific. :roflmao:

"* Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid."

Jeez, that was some deep probe :yikes:

Doc probably had to go back for his wristwatch.

Hm, I've seen these before, but I can't remember where.