OK...listen up! I ain't no doctor and I don't pretend to be!

I've heard, and listened, and somewhat understand your personal circumstance. I don't know you personally...but I know a lot about you from your "from the heart" expressions here. I've lived with a member of my family with a psychological disorder. I'm guessing that you feel "alone". I'm guessing that you feel like no one understands you. I'm guessing that you feel like no one will ever understand you BECAUSE they are not you and can't possably walk a mile in your shoes!

Many a man/woman HAS walked in your shoes! Many have before you, and many more will after you! Your disorder isn't unique to you. Stop defended the land you walk on as if no one has ever been there before! At the very least, open your mind enough to know that you have something that others are dealing with, and coping very well with, on a daily basis!

Did it ever occur to you that drugs may have molded your life? I'm not saying to get off the drug treatment a doc may have prescribed...but you say that you don't think you know what "happy" is...and it could be because of the diverse amounts of drugs you are on for all the doctors you have seen who think THEY have your cure!

In finding a doc that you trust (don't discount it or it may never happen) and working with him/her to realize your "correct count and amount"...you might take charge of your life and therefore your feelings/emotions.

Back to your original intent of this thread...

You loved and lost...she wasn't ideal and you found that out! Count your blessings and remember the good times and don't lose yourself in the pity of losing! Just remember the old saying..."Tis better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all"!

As to giving so much of yourself as to make her feel good and therefore you feel good...have you learned anything from that? You kept saying that you expected nothing in return...but in all honesty, YES you did! You reap what you sow soul! Don't give your all to someone with personal underlying expectations. You say you don't do it...but your post[s] PROCLAIMS it!

Most of my friends and family members who have needed medication for a psycological disorder have, more frequently than not, stopped taking the drugs in thinking they are "cured" and don't need any further assistance. I feel in my heart there is a happy medium for you. Stop making excuses for yourself...and instead of using all of your energy in resistance...reach deep down and find the resources to heal yourself. YES...it's possible! The system isn't against you...YOU are against the system (understandable...but conquerable!).

As soon as you can...FORGIVE YOURSELF! Your marriage failed...YES...but you aren't a failure because of it. It is a lesson and you should learn from it instead of making it the martyr in your saga...which we all call "life"!

Understand?

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~