Pixies Place Forums - View Single Post - A question of lingerie/kink >>?

For me, what would hurt would be the deception of you trying to keep it secret, the lack of communication about it and the feeling that it was something from which I was totally excluded.

I would start by:

a) Apologising for your secretiveness about it. Her (in your opinion) unreasonable reaction is not justification for you to have lied or kept secrets from her. She WILL be hurting that from the fact that she found this stuff that you'd acquired without her knowledge, and she probably feels as though you've been 'cheating on her' with your fetish. Women are not as possessive as men, they don't get upset about infidelity because they feel that a man belongs to them, they get upset that they've been deceived, therefore you can cheat on a woman without ever having touched another person in a sexual way. It's the reason a lot of women don't like porn, lap dancing clubs etc etc.

b) Comminucate. Men are usually useless at analysing why something turns them on and when a guy's response is 'It just does' a woman will usually suspect that he's hiding something. Get to the root of why you find it so stimulating and explain it to her. Something like, 'Women are just so fascinating and their underwear is so intimate and personal - underwear represents the essence of femininity and it is as much a part of them as are their breasts, hair, skin etc so I find it arousing to be close to it, touching it etc.' - Obviously I'm not sure if this is your view but it's an example. Appeal to her intelligence and reassure her that far from making you gay, this is more affirmation of your potent heterosexuality. It's because of your attraction to women that you are attracted to their underwear.

c) Explain that this is an activity you enjoy alone, purely because you would not expect her to put herself out of her comfort zone for you. You are expressing this aspect of your sexuality without her as you know it upsets her, not because you prefer it that way. You don't feel it's something sordid or shameful, or that makes you somekind of outcast, but that you are discreet about it because you care about her feelings. You also need to explain that this is something about yourself that you cannot change or ignore, but is harmless and not likely to lead to anything more sinister or extreme.

I'm not saying that you'll be able to make everything better by following this advice, however, what you should hopefully achieve is some damage limitation to your relationship. I don't expect she'll suddenly find it all easily acceptible, but at least she'll feel better inside about her recent, no doubt upsetting discovery. Do it to make her feel better, not to gain anything from it personally and at least she'll feel respected and loved, even if she can't ever accept your kink.