Giving Pills To Pets



HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

Wrap it in bacon.

NOW............

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.