Hi,
I really am impressed with how you quoted me out of context, and how you continue to misread me.

Since this is a discussion board, I am free to discuss. I haven't called anyone names, behaved childishly, or in any way censored you or your opinions. If anything, I have said that i understand, and I do. I'm understanding and compassionate because I've lived so hard that I often felt I'd been left for dead, and would go to great lengths to spare anyone else that kind of pain. For the most part, that is why I come to places like this, to share.

Situations like those in this thread go right to the heart, and can shape a person for the rest of their life. Sometimes, it gets so kinked up that it could take the rest of our lives to repair the damage.

For me, there is a difference between being "closed minded", and knowing the difference between right and wrong. Not only do I know the difference, but I have lived out what those differences mean. I offer compassion to anyone on either side of this because I know those feelings so well.
If having a different perspective than you or anyone else equates to being close minded, then color me close minded and put me in the corner. But just know that I didn't make it this far without learning that actions create repercussions, that our actions cost us and those closest to us, and often, those we don't even know, so much more than we ever imagined. For me, there can be no happiness in hurting someone I care for, and living a lie. If any of those having affairs were to tell their SO, I'd have no problem with it. But see, I've been the one cheated on, and it hurt so bad I wanted to die and I will never forget those feelings. I've also been the daughter of a cheater, and the lifelong best friend of a cheater that cheated me with my sons father. Sorry, I have no tolerance.
Yet, I do have the understanding of how the one doing the cheating may feel when they push their SO away, because I've done that to, for reasons I didn't fully understand, much less know how to cope with. And what did I do? I cheated. I cheated with a man I'd met online, in a forum where rape was being discussed. It was emotional cheating at first. In retrospect, I realize that I was finally ready to address it and attempt to change my life, he became my crutch, that one person I would let in, that I could share all my ugly truths with...probably BECAUSE he was online and I felt safe. I needed so much to convince myself that my issues and the way I saw myself since I was a little girl were not accurate, that there really wasn't anything wrong with me, and I could perform just fine, if I just had the "right" man. *sigh*
I was so wrong.
I was miserable, so incredibly angry with myself and my mess of a life that I couldn't help but accept the truth. I couldn't go on until I finally took care of me, something I'd never done. I'd been so busy trying to outrun childhood rape that I had no feelings inside at all, except for those negative, abusive feelings about myself that I fed daily, I had no idea who I was or what I needed or wanted. All I knew was that I was wrong, everything about me and my life was wrong and it had to stop. Eventually, I completely shut down because I needed help that I never got, in the the thirty something years that I needed it. When I snapped and began to move forward, there was so much damage done from that and so many other misfires that I just couldn't turn back the clock and I ended my marriage.
Was he my soulmate, the love of my life? No. But I was his, and look what I did to him.
It was impossible for anyone to be my soulmate, I was too busy second guessing any goodness shown me, not trusting a soul and stomping on and burying anything about me that was good.

I have trouble believing that we can love someone, consider them our soulmate or whatever word you choose to describe the most important person in your life, and then share something so intimate, something that is such a precious gift, something meant to be shared with them that THEY BELIEVE is theirs and theirs alone, with someone else. How do we take feelings meant for one, and give them to another? How do we find any fulfillment from the new one, and still say that its our SO that we want and need? And how on earth can we ever explain it to them, once they find out and the questions start?
If I burn for one, he is the only one that can satisfy that burn. Anything less than that is not enough to risk that love.

In closing, (this is my belief, pertaining only to me, OK?) if I am dissatisfied with any serious aspect of my relationship, then I must take action to address it. If that action fails or goes nowhere, then I have to weigh a lot of things to determine if I stay or go. At no time does bringing in a third party ever enter into the question of how to fix what is wrong in my relationship. Thats because a third party can't fix what is wrong in my relationship.
If I need something so much so that i'm frequently in tears, unfulfilled and don't see any hope that I will ever be fulfilled, then I end the relationship. If I find myself saying, "but I love him, I can't possibly go..." then I know I've gotten down to the heart of it and I've realized that being with him is more fulfilling and makes me happier than being without him. And I'm saying all this based on the belief that he truly loves me...and I would have to play fill in the blanks with myself about that, lol. It would go something like this: "If he truly loved me, he would_____________".
See?

Oh, and I really want to make this point very clear. Most of my initial posts were addressing those that take on a third party purely for recreational, selfish, "just for physical pleasure" reasons, thinking "what they don't know won't hurt them", and rationalizing til the cows come home that somehow "it's no biggie".

Sugar, I don't know what to say to you. In ways, I have experienced and probably will continue to experience the same situation, only in my situation, it isn't so extreme and he is very willing to work on things. Since this is such a serious issue and is so devastating to you, I'd like to tell you what I really believe about your situation but I'll do so in the PM I promised you, lol. My computer is still psycho and I'm using someone elses, but I'm headed there now.