Wouldn't need to be drunk, & wouldn't need the karaoke or cue cards...I'd invoke Gerry Rafferty & Steeler's Wheel...

Well I don't know why I came here tonite
I got the feelin that somethin ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
& I'm wonderin how I'll get down the stairs

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right (everybody now)
Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with You

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.