I think your musings before coffee has set in are right on target Lil ..
This has been something that I have been thinking about too. As a member that has been here a while, and I am only speaking for myself, I have a comfort level as far as what and how I post. Other members who have been here a while know my style and how I word things. I think that sometimes I forget that not everyone will understand or even take the "tone" of my posts in the way that I intended to be - especially newbies.
I have, in the past, been vocal about my beliefs. The responses that I received from other members are ones of - ok, I understand that you feel that way - but that isn't how I feel. However, I respect your opinion. That doesn't make you wrong or right. I think that attitude is why we don't have a lot of flaming - especially with the members who have been here a while. And I know that I don't always think about how my post is going to be received because of that.
When I was a newbie (couple of years ago),
I made the effort to join the group.
I initiated conversations and didn't wait for someone to hold my hand and invite me.
I read, read, and read some more to gauge the tone of the people who were participating and patterned what I did after those older members. That, I believe was my responsibility as a newbie. I also recognized that this place had a certain comfort level for all members and didn't make demands to be noticed by posting or creating threads that I didn't think out better.
Those newbies who introduce themselves are welcomed warmly with hopes that they join in by posting and being told by other members that this is a cool place to be. They are encouraged to take a look around and get to know us. I think that is just one thing we can do as older members to make newbies feel welcome. It was their choice to join the site, and it is their responsibiltiy to "gauge the tone" of the people and the place. As older members we can also be more tolerant of newbies too - especially when they first start posting. Many newbies really don't know that this is an international forum and don't understand that some terms or references can be viewed differently by people from different countries. That takes some getting used to ... LOL
Typically, my rule of thumb is to read a thread or post, and if it is in tone that I don't agree with I don't usually respond. However, sometimes I feel the need to put in my 2 cents and I do worry sometimes whether or not it is appropriate and ask for an opion from a mod.... just as you know Lilith... But I do reserve the right to state what I believe - and I do that because of how the majority of members feel here - you have the right to your opinion - that doesn't make it right or wrong and I appreciate that you do have an opinion even if I don't agree with it.
If people feel as if they don't belong I personally can't do more than what I do already. I don't feel like I should change the way I am and bend over backwards for someone who doesn't try to mode what they post after the tone of our home.