I'm so sorry for your loss, joys. It never seems fair to have to deal with all this mess in the wake of such a tragedy. I think the trauma surrounding the event must be part of what brings out the worst in everyone. My great aunts didn't speak to each other for 10 years over their mother's collection of novelty milk jugs. Folks claim there's a principle to defend, but mostly...I think it's grief first, and then too much pride to admit they made a fuss about something small.

There are no answers, this sort of problem goes back as far as the species has been telling stories to each other. All you can do is what you feel is right, do it quietly, and step away from the arguments. Things will hopefully smooth over in time.