This girl should consider hiring a matchmaker in the future:

Some of my highlights include:

- I decided to stop dating a dude I'd crushed on for some time after the first date: He twisted his food to look like a vagina during dinner, and proceeded to do obscene things to it. With his fingers. In the middle of the restaurant. On our first date.

- Nixed one relationship with a boy who explained (several months into our relationship) that his breast-implanted "friend" who was always leaving him messages "just to chat", and with whom he'd previously had a sex-only "relationship" with was "Really, really hot. She can get ANY guy she wants. Guys love her. She's, like, really, really hot -- and if I wanted to be with someone like that, I could and would. But I'm not."

:| Ooooooooooooookie dokie - see you later.

But the special achievement award goes to the hypochondriac lawyer I dated:

- Stands me up before an important dinner party without a phone call or explanation. Does not arrive for full long-weekend of activities we had planned. When I finally hear from him, he is ranting with livid accusations that I had given him herpes and he just doesn't know how he will go on with his life. He is violently mad.

Me: But I don't have herpes.

Him: Yes you do! And you've given them to ME!

Me: I think you should go see a doctor.

Him (two days later): Um, so, uh, yeah... you're right. The doctor says it's a heat rash.

He attempted to apologize profusely, but I couldn't seem to erase the ranting herpes accusations from my traumatized mind, and was already running away in terror.