I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks/months now. He satisfies me in all ways, emotinal, physical,sexual. the only problem is that he is still living with his wife. He says that he wants to leave her but does not have the inner strength yet to do it. I know how hard it is to leave your marrage...i did 4 years ago. We have had long talks about everything and have already told each other how we feel. I have fallen inlove with him and he with me. It is just hard to deal with. I cant really talk to any friends about it because they see it as wrong(which yes it is). I cant spend as much time with him as I want because his wife is a control freak and needs to know where he is at all times. Plus the times that she is not there to control him he has his 5yr and I have my 5yr. I really want this to work out but i dont want to get hurt if ends up not leaving her. I have fallen head over heals for him.

Confused and in love

Buffy

She is a control freak because she has a husband who is unfaithful. Who could blame her?

I hope things work out for you. I can imagine the pain you feel when you can't be with him. It's not a good sign that he hasn't left his wife yet and your friends are probably being less than supportive because they realize that.

I know you can't really control who you love but you can choose what to do about it. If you want to be more than a Mistress you should insist on it.

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At the very least, give yourself a "drop dead" deadline. You don't want to be still wondering when he'll find the inner strength to leave in 5 or 10 years. And just a question for you ... how is he going to find inner strength when he's just giving in to inner weakness?

I agree with Lil, if the wife is being a control freak, she certainly has good reason. And remember that if he cheats on her, then even if he's always faithful to you .... aren't you likely to always be wondering?

Not trying to lecture, just give some advice that might be helpful somewhere along the way .... None of us can know the particulars of why this feels ok and therefore none of us can know that it is (or isn't) ok. You just have to be able to live with the decisions you make and so its best to know what you find acceptable and what is not and make sure you are well aware of both of those things as you explore this relationship.

Finally, you don't have the right to ignore that each of you has a child to factor into this equation. If things work out between you, he is still a father to a child who needs him for MANY years and so you will not be able to ignore the mother to his child, she will be an ongoing part of your life.

Buffay.....I think Lil and Fzzy are right, that this is a less than ideal situation for everyone involved. But can I point out something here? While you put the situation up in the Advice section, you didn't ask a question.

The part of me that can't help reading between the lines thinks that might mean that you already know the answer.....and don't want to hear it.

Just a thought.

G

Just a thought, but if he's willing to cheat on her for someone, whats to stop him from doing the same to you someday?

If he really wanted out of the marriage, especially for another person, then he'd do it. The only thing stopping him is that he has two women to serve his needs.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but girl, you need to look at him from a new angle. He's not Mr. Perfect, he's Mr. Pedastal. Take him off it, and take a good long look at him, and ask yourself how he'll someday treat YOU if he does by some miracle dissolve the relationship with his wife.

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Love's Bitch, the writings of my mind

aww, honey, i'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this. it is a crappy situation, i know. right before i kicked my ex out this past summer, i had a couple opportunities to play around with some of my male friends, no strings attached. as much as i really wanted, to, and as much as i knew i was going to leave him soon, i just couldn't do it while we were still living together. one of these guys is a total sweetheart and great friend, and we've had some teasing/flirting going on for quite awhile....but i felt like it would be unfair to me, my ex, and my friend to get into any kind of relationship (or just being fuck buddies) while i was still living with my now-ex.
the divorce is still dragging on, (cuz we can't find the bastard to get the papers served) but we've not lived together since early august. i met someone in september and we started dating in late november. we're both very much in love, and he's moving out here to be with me in july (providing the plan to get the ex served with papers this week is successful). right now...despite what my mother and brother think....i don't feel like i'm cheating on my ex. there's no emotional connection, and hasn't been for a long time. it's been over a year since he and i had sex. we haven't lived together in 9 months. and i'm not still married because i'm not actively trying to get the divorce. it's just rough when the other party won't cooperate. but there is no chance we'll get back together and i have no feelings for my ex, other than the occasional burning desire to run him over with my truck.
so, from someone sort of on the other side (still technically married, but involved with a new partner), i guess i'm wondering why he let himself get involved with someone before he actually took steps to end his current relationship. it's not like high school, where you can just quit calling the person and hope they get the hint that you don't want to see them anymore. even when i knew my marriage was over, but before i finally punted him out...i couldn't bring myself to even have casual sex with somebody else. and i certainly wouldn't have been in a relationship with someone and promising them they were next on the list. honey, do you really want to be the second choice on his list? because if he's not standing up to his wife and making time for you two to be together.... despite what he tells you, he IS making you his second choice. and that's not fair to you, both children involved or his current wife.
i know it's hard to not love someone. and i know it's hard to leave someone, even if you think deep down it's the right thing to do. so i think a good compromise for you is the "drop dead date". talk to him and make him choose. he has 60 (or 90 or 180) days to make a decision....either continue to live with his wife, and you will move on..or stand up to her, leave her, and choose to be with you. but he HAS to choose. and this way...you can feel like it's his decision...and not feel like you made a mistake walking away from what could have been a great relationship. it puts the ball totally in his court and makes him responsible for his actions (or inactions)
good luck. things *will* work out for the best, hon.

i have an aunt who had an affair with a married man. he did finally leave his wife and married my aunt but guess what? a few years later he left my aunt for someone else. i'm not saying that once a cheat always a cheat, but wouldn't knowing that he could do it to her always make you think he would to it to you? don't give yourself to someone who can't give you themselves in return. you are wothy of much more than that!

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Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

From a mans point of view,I'd agree most with Gilly.It's called,
having your cake,and eating it too!I can't tell you,how many times
I have heard,basically,the same story!If for nothing else,but financial security,I doubt if he'll leave his wife.I could be wrong,but
don't hold your breath. Irish

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Oh yes... the wife in this situation is a control freak because your man has probably cheated on her in the past, which he will probably do to you in the future. It's very possible if he does ever leave her, he'll still sleep with her if he gets the chance. But I would bet that he will not leave his wife until he feels he HAS to, otherwise he'd already be out and away from her.

As someone who has been the husband in this situation, (not identical, but close), I would try and forget him. You'll end up hurting worse in the long run if you try to make it work.

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Put me on wheels and I'll turn tricks.

Clever? Nah, I ran out of that years ago. But if you find this, let me know, k?
"The road goes ever on..." ~ Tolkien

In memory of my friend skip...
Go then, there are other worlds than these

It must be Spring...this sort of thing seems to be popping up all over. A similar conversation started up over drinks last night...and I wished you'd been there to hear it.

The only part I really remember was something a guy there said. Smart guy, who I know won't hate me for paraphrasing him...even if I don't do it well. He said that from watching friends screw up in a hundred different ways over a long life he knew 2 things. First, men don't leave their wives for other women. They may make sure they've got a new harbor ready to dock in before they leave a marriage...but they don't EVER leave FOR the new woman. They leave because they want out of the old marriage....a lot of women who thought they were lovers were actually just excuses. Second, if a man is really truly unhappy enough to leave a marriage....he leaves it. If he doesn't leave his wife, then he's not as unhappy as his excuse (his word) is being told. Dragging out a departure just means there's something that's still worth staying for.....but guys aren't dumb, they're not going to tell the other woman that.

My most sincere appologies if it sounds harsh or hurts. But it helped the girl last night, however much she hated hearing it. I thought it might help you.

G

Just another thought that came to mind...

What does it say about you to your family and friends if you are willing to become the "other woman" to a married man?

I'm not trying to be judgemental, but what would they think of you for putting yourself in the position to try and break up a marriage?

If there really are problems between him and his wife, leave them between him and his wife. They had nothing to do with you before, and nothing to do with you now. Keep out of it.

He's not a good person, and what kind of man would he be for your child to look up to?

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My Corset Pictures My Feathers My Legs My 'get to know me' pics
Love's Bitch, the writings of my mind

Oh I wish I was that good !
1)He can't commit to you cause he's still with his wife
2)He deals with his relationship at home by going out and finding someone else
don't know either of you,but...

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Happiness is not a destination, but a journey, the bumps and chuckholes are just part of the trip!

Buffay,

I’ve read what all the others had to say and I had to write. I am on the other end of the situation myself. I'm the wife. It’s "the grass is greener on the other side” for my husband. I've invested way too much in my marriage just to let go without trying to make it work. Kids aside; he and I share a great deal of time together, and we have a good time together. We work well together and enjoy our time together. Our problem is lack of communication. He never wanted to leave me, but he had a hard time talking to me. Which in turn lead him astray. We are now working on rebuilding our relationship. But it is still hard for me to over look his past affairs. As hard as it is to leave a great Love, I would get out of that situation and let him know that if he really wants to be with you and not his wife, get a divorce. But don't sit around and wait for him. Go out have fun. Just watch out for the married ones. Believe me, it’s not worth all the drama for any of you. Nevertheless, if he does divorce his wife to be with you, you will still have his wife around no matter what. Kids ALWAYS come first. Can you handle the wife being hostile with you if it comes to that? I know I would not be very happy to send my children off with their father knowing that the person he left me for will also be around my kids.

I'd say that you must make demands from him for commitment. The iffy part is that most men start out in lust, particularly if they are 'trying' to rebound from a failed marriage. Usually, they haven't ended it simply because of lack of courage. Been there, done that. The part I left unsaid is that often the need for personality compatibility is overshadowed by desire.

Please be careful!

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Lots of people talk and few of them know, soul of a woman was created below

I can't get through to her 'cause it doesn't permit
But I'm gonna give her everything I've got to give.

I hear your sweet voice calling
out my name
As I stare from a six foot cell
And from beyond I heard the words
Deceptively Yours

Thanks guys...I have really been thinking about this and i think the lust was clouding my mind......i sat down and talked to him the other day and told him how i felt....the first thing that came out of my mouth was you dont even take off your ring when we are together so you still have feelings for her or want to stay in your marrage.....he told me no that he just forgets to take it off...and i said BS!!! I also told him that i hate that I cant call him...cant go out on dates...have to hide everything from almost everyone....cant just pop up at his house.....and so on.....so i told him until he has balls and moves out of the house then it is over....i cant deal with all the drama..i have way too much in my life already.....well he keeps calling me and telling me how much he loves me...well i stopped saying i love you to him to see if he gets the hint...the next step for me is to stop answering his calls.....

Buffy