McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Two Irishmen, recently arrived from the old Country, wandered

the wharf in New York. To feel truly American they each bought a

hot dog and a cup of Coke.

Paddy looked at Sean and said, "Paddy, what part of de dog did

you get?"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

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Two Irishmen walked into a Bar.

You'd have thought at least one would have seen it.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Paddy, mate. About last night.

Yes?

Paddy, mate. You left the Three Leeks at about 10pm.

So?

Paddy, mate. You took a bus home because you were drunk.

So?















Paddy, mate.





The bus company want it back.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar....












WELL! ……….. it COULD happen.

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How do you drive an Irishman insane?

Show him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

PF, naaaaaaah.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Paddy decides to phone up his mate Mick (Irish people have no other names) to see if he fancied watching the rugby. "Ah, I can't Paddy, I'm doing this jigsaw. It's got me really puzzled!"

The next week Paddy phones up again to see if he fancied watching the football. Again the answer was, "I can't, I'm still stuck on this jigsaw".

So again the week after Paddy phones up again to see if Mick wanted to go down to the Guiness festival. "I'd love to Pad, me ol' mate, but it's this jigsaw, it's got me really puzzled". Paddy just could not believe it that he was still stuck on the same jigsaw. "Haven't you finished it yet?" he bellowed down the phone. "How long will it take you?" "I'm not doing to badly", Mick replied,"I've almost finshed, and probably in record time" "What?" said Paddy, "How the heck do you work that out? It's taken you 3 weeks now!" "Ay, but it says 3 to 5 years on the box"

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FussyPucker

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't...

Sarcasm: It's not big and it's not clever...........but it's funny as fuck!

The Special One!

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here"

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?."

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man," shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." !!

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FussyPucker

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't...

Sarcasm: It's not big and it's not clever...........but it's funny as fuck!

The Special One!

An oldie. I think this was told a few months ago.

Paddy was on his death-bed. As the angels gathered and the

bright light started to show, he smelled the irresistable aroma

of his favourite food, party beef and guinness pies for which his wife

was justifiably famous throughout the county.

Gathering his last strength, he crawled down to the kitchen and

struggled to the table where the treasures lay. He reached for the closest,

body trembling at the supreme effort.

As his fingers touched the pie, a wooden spoon smashed them away.

"Fuck off, Paddy, they're for the feckin funeral!"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

one of my all time favourite jokes !!!

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.

"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he,walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.

SPLAT!. He joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff. With the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you fockin' hen gliding".

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FussyPucker

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't...

Sarcasm: It's not big and it's not clever...........but it's funny as fuck!

The Special One!

What do you call an Irishman who lives outside?


Paddy O'Furniture

England, indeed!
Are you sure you’re Irish FussyPucker? Only I can tell Irish and bald jokes. LOL


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

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