OK, quick background. The wife (11+ years) and I were at a going away party for a friend. It was a family party, with 5 or so couples + kids, as well as 4-5 singles.

The booze quickly started flowing, and since my wife watches our son all the time I let her drink, while I stayed sober to take care of our son. No biggie.

Five or six shots of tequila later, the wife is pretty well hammered, as well as 4 or 5 other guys (all friends). She gets flirty when she's drunk (like most people). Yadda yadda yadda, people are happy, talking, etc.

One guy, a friend of mine for the past 4 years, has always liked my wife. Actually told me he'd like to fuck her. The two of them flirt, openly, when they are around each other...wrestling, pillow fighting, etc. Never seemed like a big deal. He was completely crap-faced.

OK so everyone moves into the garage, except for myself and 3 or 4 other adults, playing with the kids (woohooo!). I walk to the door to the garage and look in - and see my wife sitting VERY close (almost on his lap) with my friend - she's got one leg draped over his leg, and she's leaning REAL close to him. Both were laughing/smiling/whatever. Having a good time.

Let me say this - I don't share my wife. I don't find it exciting to think about her being with another guy, no way no how. Ain't happening.

OK - so I head back into the kitchen to feed our son, and I'm trying to figure out what I just saw. 10-15 minutes later in walks a couple (married, friends of ours, and SOBER), and they both say something like "you might want to go into the garage - things seem to be getting a bit friendly in there". So, I get up, look in the door, and see the exact same thing I saw the first time...my wife with her leg over this other guys leg, sitting VERY close, and having a lot of fun.

Now, I know none of you know me - but I'm NOT a confrontational person. So let me say this - I SHOULD have gone in there at that point and "broke it up" - but I didn't even know for sure if anything was happening. I SHOULD have, but I didn't. Don't jump my case for fucking that up, I've already kicked my own ass for that.

OK - third times a charm. another 10-15 minutes later I look in - surprise - exact same thing. OBVIOUSLY flirting. I'm furious at this point, and I won't go in because I'd only kick someones ass (I'm 6'4 230# and the other guy is 5'10 180 or so).

OK, end of that part. I have confronted her, and she says she "wasn't sitting on his lap" - she conveniently "forgot" to tell me he was touching her ass - and I've had 2 other guys that were there (and didn't know she was my wife) mention that he (my friend) sure was having fun with that chick (MY WIFE). I've got 3 people that said things were getting friendly. And - the guy flirting with my wife called me up the day after to apologize "for getting so drunk in front of the kids" and "he was calling everyone that was there to apologize"...well guess what, he called NOBODY else but me. I'm thinking he's apologizing for more than just being drunk, but for slutting around with my wife.

Am I obsessive? Yup. Am I POSESSIVE? With my wife and child I sure am.

What would you guys do? We've talked...and talked...and talked...all I can picture is her sitting there, leg draped over his lap, sitting close (you could call it intimate) laughing and talking.

I'm mad, sad, angry, pissed, frusterated...and I don't know how to NOT think about it. I know they didn't fuck, anything like that. But to actually SEE my wife blatantly flirting and hanging on another guy - it hurts.

Thanks for reading - I'm VERY open to suggestions from both sexes.

-A

Honey a woman wants to know that she's still sexy. There's nuthin wrong with that. But, If she's so drunk she's not thinking about the consequences....... It's time to go intervene.... bring her back to the real world so to speak. That is if you LOVE her and that this is not a "control" thing. You two definitely need to sit down and have a talk.

btw.. when you said this.....
." Actually told me he'd like to fuck her." The two of them flirt, openly, when they are around each other...wrestling, pillow fighting, etc. Never seemed like a big deal. He was completely crap-faced.


Did you bother to tell him this??????
"Let me say this - I don't share my wife. I don't find it exciting to think about her being with another guy, no way no how. Ain't happening."

I was just curious.

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I am here for only a short time on this earth. My goal is to make everyone I see smile if only for a moment.

Talk and talk and talk some more! Let her know how you feel and why you feel that way. Some people are more open to that kind of behaviour than others but your wife should be more than aware of your comfort levels after 11+ years and she should respect those. So far it doesn't sound as though you have asked for anything unreasonable or out of the ordinary, just a little respect and common courtesy. I personally don't buy the "I was drunk" excuse either, I've been more than shit-faced on more than one occasion and have never lost my senses enough to lose that much control. You need to find out what drove her actions that night and what you can do to fix it. I wish you both luck! 11+ years are too much to throw away! And by the way, that guy sure as hell lost his friend status!

Flirting is great fun for both sexes, and when alcohol is being consumed to excess, it does sometimes get out of control.

The answer, as I see it, is to talk to your wife about drinking less when you're out (if she can't trust herself to keep some control when drunk, she needs to be responsible and drink less).

Also, you need to make sure that you are the one to make your wife feel sexy. The way I suggest you do that is by flirting with her yourself when you're out together. It will keep your relationship young, keep her mind off other men, send a signal to other men that she's not available, and may well result in some pretty hot sex when you get her home.

I'd also say that often a wife who is flirting with someone other than her husband, can sometimes be sub-conciously seeking attention from her husband, so if this happens again, I'd strongly counsel you to go in before you've got to the point where you're going to hit someone, and simply whisk her away in a romantic/ flirtatious/ joking manner. If she resists your advances in that situation, then now's the time to worry, but to be honest, I doubt she will.

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"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !

Ok.....the bad news is there's no easy answer. The good news is, it's not the end of the world. I know, not much...but I've been in places where that was worth hearing .

You two have to talk, everyone's said it...and it's a rare thing that everyone agrees on anything. Hell, even you said you've talked....but you didn't say what you were talking about. And it's real easy to wind up talking about the wrong things....or at least things that don't help close the issue. Were you angry when you were talking? Cause while words tend to come out of your mouth in that state...there's not usually a lot of communication or compromise. Did you tell her that you want to fix this, rather than forget it? Because while you will forget it with time....time is not necessarily going to fix the problem.

You have to tell her you felt hurt and helpless. I know that can be tough, but she needs to know specifically what you can watch and not care about, and what really cuts you. This one I know, I'm a flirt, always was. But there are severe limits to what my guy is comfortable seeing/knowing....so we've found our compromise...I don't pass that line. I've been howling drunk at parties, I've had loads of opportunities....but there's not enough booze in the world to make me so drunk I'd hurt that man. If she's had flirting permission up till now, and the lines weren't clearly drawn....she may not even realize she crossed them.

Lines can be "not this guy" (in which case you've got to be willing to update the list periodically), or no physical contact, or whatever you need them to be. But it has to be a line, not a general "don't"...first, because she's not a labrador and can't be expected to behave like one. Second because, CGT is right....us flirts do it for a reason. Telling us to stop stone cold dead is like telling us to give up food. We can cut back, but if we stop altogether...we feel like something's missing.

And that's just half the talking that's gonna have to happen.

She's gonna have to have a go. If there's a reason, a frustration, a need that's not being met....she deserves a chance to express it. There may not be, or she may not be ready to talk about it. But she deserves every chance. I don't know if, in all the talking you're doing, you've asked her if she's ok. Guilt can be unpleasant. Fear that something's broken between you can be heart stopping. All of that can get in the way of her telling you anything she might need to.

But I think that until you've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you're not done talking. However much you might each just want the thing to go away.

Oh, and can I add I think you may have been right not to go bursting into the garage? I mean, it would have been the right answer for a lot of guys. And if you were the sort who felt capable of defusing the situation with no hard feelings on any side, it would have been good to do it. But if you're not....then there were a lot of wrong answers on the other side of that door. In future though, if something's going on that's got the potential to mess with your head this much...remember there are other options than leaving it be and breaking it up yourself. I've been sent to "find X and ask where the Corkscrew is" before when it needed to be done....send someone to find your wife and ask where the formula/babyfood/diapers are. Might help. Just a random tought.

G

Yep, it's time for that "Honey when you do this I feel..............."
and the "Honey I need..................talks to begin.

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I am here for only a short time on this earth. My goal is to make everyone I see smile if only for a moment.

Sit her down, tell her bluntly what you saw, and what you felt. Hiding your feelings, or not telling her about what you saw will make her think that if you DID see, you didn't mind.

You should never have to be uncomfortable about your relationship, and your friend should never have done anything, whether she initiated it or not.

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My Corset Pictures My Feathers My Legs My 'get to know me' pics
Love's Bitch, the writings of my mind

I hope I am never in your shoes. I am exteremly fortunate in the relationship I have with my husband. (I know it sounds corny, but he really is my soul mate.) But, if i were in your shoes, feeling the way I do about hubby-mine, I would be furious! Alcohol or not, whatever the excuse. That being said, I would do everything in my power to fix it: talk, counseling, sex therapy, WHATEVER it took. And I could also forgive.

To play a liitle devil's advocate, though, maybe she is not being totally honest with you bacause she is embarassed. Do you two have the kind of relationship where you can talk about things you are ashamed of without fear of a loss of respect? Sometimes poeple just CAN'T fess up out of sheer embarrassment. I agree with everyone else that you two should talk about it, but if there isn't honesty in the talk, it would be futile. And if you could never forgive her...that makes any discussion about her behavior futile, too. You would just be punishing her for hurting you.

Good luck.

Thanks to EVERYONE for the replies...I am home from lunch for a few minutes, but I will take the time to reply and tell the story in a little more detail (what we talked about, etc) then.

Thanks, everyone.

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JustSomeGuy

JustSomeGuy---Remember,it takes TWO to tango.I have always
thought-How would it feel,if the shoe were on the other foot?I
am speaking as a recovering Alcholic,so I don't buy the-I was drunk,excuse.I am like you,I don't share either.In over 11yrs,one should know & respect,how the other feels.May 1,I will be married
for 39yrs.We have always respected each other.As said-everyone
wants to feel desired & sexy,but if any of that is lacking,it should
have been discused. Irish
P.S.Different strokes,for different folks!

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Irish... I've been there. I actually encouraged my ex to flirt. I wanted him to build up some self confidence. Hell I wanted to have a man that other women thought was sexy! yeah make me feel ten foot tall. and for the record I don't buy the was so drunk I don't remember thing either. but I've been to the point and unhappy enough with my marriage that I was drunk enough I didn't care.

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I am here for only a short time on this earth. My goal is to make everyone I see smile if only for a moment.

First off, thanks again to everyone that replied.

Over the past 3-4 days, she and I have had some incredibly open, face to face, sit down discussions. Fortunately for me (us), we have always been open and able to talk about things - no matter what - that are on our minds.

It took me awhile, but I finally got it out to her that what she did - intentional or not - hurt like hell. To see her physically being in contact (limited contact I know, but still...) with anyone else - cut to the core and hurt like hell.

We talked about WHY things might have happened as she did - was I not paying enough attention to her, was I not making her feel sexy, did she not find me attractive anymore...and we came to a lot of conclusions, most (if not all) of them were good conclusions.

One thing we learned/realized was that our physical relationship had been slipping over the past few years, most within the past year because of the new mouth to feed in the house (now 17 month old son). We talked about simple ways to get the intimacy back into our lives, so that we both feel wanted/needed by the other person.

She said that it wasn't that I was neglecting her, or not making her feel good/sexy...she just lost all judgement.

For the most part, I've gotten past the Saturday "incident". It still pops into my head now and then, and when it does it still hurts. Probably will for awhile. I've tried NOT to make it into too much of a big deal...it's not like she was fucking him on the couch...but what happened DID hurt me.

We are back on a much better playing field now than just 2 days ago. There ARE a few positives I took from this...

#1 - my wife is very sexy and hot, and other guys think that she is too (good for her AND good for me - I'm the man!!! )
and
#2 - my wife and I still have the ability for wide open, honest communication.

I want to thank you each again for replying. Not sure why I chose to spill my life (or weekend) story here, but I did...thanks!
-A

I am glad to hear things worked out for the two of you, and that everything got out in the open.

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My Corset Pictures My Feathers My Legs My 'get to know me' pics
Love's Bitch, the writings of my mind

That will be $150.00 for the psychotherapy please.... j/k

Hey this has been the most interesting advice post I've seen yet.
I'm sooooo happy for you JustSomeGuy!
You are the perfect husband to be able to work this out and make your marriage work. Kudos to you!

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I am here for only a short time on this earth. My goal is to make everyone I see smile if only for a moment.

JSG---Glad to hear that everything is OK.The shoe can also be on the other foot.I used to run a motorcycle shop.After working ALL
day,my wife used to stop by & there would be 1/2 nude women
(girls)lying around on the hoods of cars,etc.I don't think that I could have taken that without losing my cool.Most important is
communication,but you also need alot of understanding & self-
confidence. Irish
P.S.The girls would be other workers girlfriends,wifes,groupies,etc
For some reason,motorcycle riders,used to attract alot of female
attention.Luckily,my wife understood that!

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)