Well...I'm a bit worried about posting this for a few reasons, but I really think I need some advice.

Basically, I'm in a long distance relationship - and have been for two years. For the whole duration of the time we've been together we've been apart. He lives in Scotland and I live in England - 200 miles apart. We met online through a website we both used for support at the time, and the website that I now work for as a volunteer supporting people.

We get together when we can, which isn't always possible - and there have been times when it's been months between us seeing each other.

Anyhow - he decided that he wanted to relocate back to North West England, which is where he's from originally and where I live - and has been given a chance of a job down here.

But things haven't been going too well for us recently. He's been having an horrendous time with his employer and is waiting to hear about possibly taking them to court for unfair treatment etc, he's very stressed and ill with it all, at the same time he's trying to plan his move - which is now going to take longer than he thought. I feel bad, because I'm trying to support him as much as I can - I've spent so many days, evenings and weekends listening to him thrash out the problems he's having, and trying my best to help - all to no avail. We don't have fun anymore, we rarely laugh about anything and the last time we met up - we had lots of sex, but not much else - and tbh, I just felt that his heart wasn't in it.

I've tried a few times to talk to him about how I feel and he says he's sorry, but he's stressed etc. The thing is, I've had a fair few major probs myself over the last few months (ill health, losing my job, being unemployed etc) and don't really feel like I've had the support back that I need - and certainly not to the extent I've given him.

It's so hard knowing what to do/say with such a distance between us, and I feel so detached from everything and really low at the moment .

I guess what I'm asking is - with all that's going on - can long distance relationships ever work out? Or do they all end in disaster?

Thanks for reading and sorry to have posted such a long ramble...

cavey
xx

Hi Cave Girl
LDR are hard to say the least. My best friend and i were that way.he was here here i live now and i lived in Arizona. I moved here to get a new start with the now ex hubby.. ok so that didn't work. He and i did end up getting married and he is my soulmate.

Cavey
you have to tell him your concerns and make him listen. Its the only hope to get on the right track again.
Good luck and PM anytime

I believe her comments are sage. A foundation of relationship is good communications. Unless this is a strange temporal situation I would recommend honest communcation. While hot sex is great ultimately I doubt it can sustain a relationship: particularly a long distance relationship.

I'm sorry to read of the reluctance you're feeling about the relationship you're in, but that's not exactly a bad thing. You're not going in to it with blinders on. You've got your eyes open and can see some things that need to be made clear before committing yourself.

Which came first...his plan to move closer or the job offer? I assume that would give you an indication of his level of committment.

Have you witnessed how he handles stress when you're physically together? It would be interesting to know that. We all deal with it differently, and guys tend to keep it internal...something made infinately easier when you're not coming home to someone face to face each night. That can make us seem distant when in reality, we're just trying to wrestle the trouble ourselves instead of burdening you with it. That's an age thing too, by the way. As you get older, you realize that people that care about you WANT to share the burden because they feel better trying to help.

Long distance relationships can work...we've seen them here. But they require you to be honest with yourself, honest with your feelings and to be able to communicate with each other.

We crave physical contact with those that we care for. The warmth of a hug, a held hand, their body next to yours as you sleep...all of it kept from you by distance. And it's easy to get that feeling of detatchment when you're not able to hold that special someone. But it doesn't mean the love isn't there, it's just being overpowered by the need to be reassured and comforted.

(((cavegirl)))

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

OK, so here's my input on this. Since you haven't been at Pixies that long, I should fill you in a bit of my background, so that you know that my advice is coming from a 'credible' source of experience:

I met Fussypucker here at Pixies 4 years ago - we dated long distance (about 90 miles) for a year before he moved in with me, leaving his family, job etc. We got on so well, that after a couple of years of living together we got married, moved house and now have a 4 month old son. So yes, LDRs can work out - ours did.

HOWEVER, it's a risk - a HUGE risk. You have no idea whether it's going to work out on a day to day basis with someone until you've had to do it, and only experience will tell you. My advice is not to move in together if you have doubts, and if you are moving in together make sure you spend lots of time together before it happens. Both take a fortnight off work and spend the time together to see how it works out. You'll know after a week whether you'll be happy or drive each other so crazy that it doesn't work out.

On the plus side for your situation, if he's returning to somewhere he once lived, he'll have friends and/or family to rely on, which will make it less difficult for him to adjust and if it doesn't work out, then you're not leaving him high and dry.

On the minus side, your doubts about whether or not this relationship is for you do need to be taken into account. I recommend you spend some time REALLY thinking and listening to your gut. I suspect there's a little tiny voice in there telling you what it thinks one way or the other. With my ex, there was something always telling me it wasn't going to work out, that I wasn't that committed and it took me a long time to start listening to it, but it was such a relief when I did.

__________________
"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !

Guys - thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it so much.

WildIrish ((hugs for you)), in answer to your questions, he'd planned to move closer to me before he knew anything about the job - he is feeling quite lonely where he is at the moment, and has no family or friends where he lives. With regard to the stress thing - he actually handles stress better if I'm around. He does still get stressed, but finds that if we can cuddle up or just chat and be physically together, he is less troubled. When he is on his own in his flat, his stress is much worse...

Loulabelle - thank you for your kindness. I think in all honesty the doubts I'm having have only really arisen since this recent situation with his job troubles occured. Before that there was no issue, and the thought of us planning a new life together was exactly what I wanted and what I dreamed of. Just this last few weeks/months have been so hard for us, and also the feeling that I need support for the probs I have and I'm not getting any back

I think the plan was for him to move down here and us spend weekends living together to see how it went before a big move in -even though he's moving back to the NW we'll still be 40 miles apart. He wants me to help him find somewhere for him to rent, and then once he's in there we find somewhere to live.

Thanks for all your time and for reading this...

a very confused cavey