Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.



And YES... I am amusing myself tonight LOL

was just browsing and found this!~~~~~~thanks!xxx

__________________
Don't pet the sweaty things!!!!

Q. Why do Hippo's Fuck in water
A. well have you tried to keep a 3 tonne clit wet

__________________
Enjoy yourself!
Enjoy me!

Behind me is a Woman rolling her eye's!

The only opinion about me that matters is the one I have of myself

Dang, I don't remember having seen these. Very cute. Thanks.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

OMG Steph! *booooooooooooo* lol


What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

FULL!

__________________

Gentlefolk,

Very good! Thanks!

__________________
Eudaimonia

PF, the leper joke is my new favourite! Here's another:

A night in the barn
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you,, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

Steph, I only have my OLD favorites. Here’s one for you:

~Painting yourself into a corner~
Bob knocks on the door of his old buddy Bill’s house and his attractive new wife lets him in. She invites him to set for coffee as Bill is expected back in about half an hour. While chatting about their life long friendship, Bob can’t get his eyes above the low cut blouse she is wearing.
Finely he just blurts out that he has been alone for over six months and finds her so beautiful that he has to see her breasts. He assures her he only needs to see a woman’s form and says he’ll give her $100 if she’ll just let him look at her. When she is satisfied that he will only look, she takes the $100 and pulls open her top and proudly shows him her gorgeous tits.
Bob catches his breath and only murmurs as his face turns red. When he is able to speak again……. He tells her that he would gladly give her another $100 if he can only see under her skirt and vows not to even try and touch her, but that it’s been so long for him that he really needs to see a woman. With a little reluctance, but with a safe distance between them, she concedes and takes the $100. She then lifts her skirt, butterflies her legs and thrusts at Bob actually enjoying the effect she is having on him.
Bob begins to drool, stutters for words….. then just jumps up and runs out the door.

Ten minutes later Bill arrives home and kisses his somewhat flustered bride on the cheek hello. He asks if his buddy Bob had stopped by? “Why yes he did” says the nervous wife. “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me” asked Bill?

__________________

Why you thought of me, I don't want to know!

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

*ba da bump*

Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?

A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

So a penguin is driving around the country when his engine starts spurtering. Lucky for him there's a service station about 2miles up. This particular area is relatively flat, he can see it, and figures that he can do the waddle.

So the penguin walks to the service station and talks to the mechanic. The mechanic says it's not a problem, they'll get the tow truck and fix it at the shop. Since it's going to take a while, he suggests to the penguin that he sits in the diner and drinks something cool.

The penguin decides that he'd like to have some ice-cream, so he orders a big bowl of icecream. but doesn't get a spoon. Being timid, he doesn't bother to ask, and eats the ice-cream all the same, with his flippers.

time passes, and he decides to go the service bay to check up on things, and the mechanic seems him, so he goes over and talks to the penguin
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal"
the penquin all nervous screams out "NO! NO! IT'S JUST ICE CREAM!!"

Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America.

When they arrive, the fathers make each other a rather large bet. In a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I went to McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up some Budweiser for the football game tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head! Quit taking our jobs and go back to your own country, ya terrorist!"