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10 simple rules.......
10 Simple rules for dating my DAUGHTER
RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up!
RULE TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off, my daughter’s body, I will remove them!
RULE THREE: I am aware that it is fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult but you and your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take an electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today world, sex without utilizing a, “barrier method” of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you!
RULE FIVE: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sport, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you will have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.
RULE SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me if it’s okay by my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry!
RULE SEVEN: As you stand at my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more that an hour passes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on make-up which can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay (I have one). Football games are okay. Visiting nursing homes is even better.
RULE NINE: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a chain saw, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me!
RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over the rice paddies outside Saigon. When my Agent Orange starts to act up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in clear sight. Announce that you have brought my daughter safely home and early then return to your car, there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
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