Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.

"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure", responded Bob, "how many ducks are there boy?". The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.

"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.

Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said "You are such a fool."

Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Well, shit" Bill said, "this dog is useless." Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT ! That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a f***ing stick at."

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Nubian

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

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Nubian

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah," said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

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Nubian

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.

The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock." His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen." His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

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Nubian

Dear Mother,

I am writing to inform you of how much I enjoyed my WIRELESS HONEYMOON. As soon as we arrived at our hotel, he insisted on seeing my receiving set, and naturally I agreed, for now he has a license.

He soon had my set uncovered and spend some time examining it carefully. My two large condensers pleased him immediately and he was soon manipulating them with the ease of an expert.

Obviously satisfied that my socket was in order, he got his aerial and had it erected, I was pleased to see that his twin accumulators were fully charged. He had quite a job getting his aerial filtered at first as he had it insulated with rubber. I suggested taking the rubber off to ensure complete contact, and having done so he plugged in again and turning his knob, a perfect contact was made inside my set.

He was careful at first as he played due to the resistance of my new receiver but soon the high tension increased and his aerial began to oscillate. My receiver warmed up and the signal to cover through. He manipulated the condensers again and extended the volume. Suddenly, I noted the atmosphere on my set and without warning massive fluid came through and fortunately the action caused his aerial to sag and his accumulators were run down. So, he was obliged to disconnect.

It seemed pity that our evening's entertainment had to be curtailed, but as he said my receiver would become adjusted to his aerial once he had learnt to control the high tension, perfect reception could be ensured over a long period. He said he was surprised to find my receiver new as he was under the impression that it had been in use with some other aerials.

I should like to have a longer aerial, for I feel sure if he could get an inch or more longer, we would have enough volume to get a loud speaker. He agreed with me but he thought regular use should stretch it sufficiently.

Well, Mother, I shall have to close now as he has been doing my condensers while I have been writing. He has already uncovered my receiver and his aerial is erected and I cannot write very well once he had got it plugged in.

I will write to you tomorrow and let you know what reception is like tonight. He did say that he is going to try my receiver in a different position.

Your loving daughter......

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Nubian

If you think life is
bad.....



How would you like
to be an egg?





You only get laid
once.





You only get eaten
once.





It takes four minutes
to get hard.





Only two minutes to
get soft.





You share your box
with 11 other guys





But worst of all..





the only chick that
ever sat on your face
was your mother!!!

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_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they'd all say.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass."

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

FARMER BLUES

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....


Some things you just can't explain.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.

- My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

This prostitute goes up to a guy and says ''how would ya like to come over to my place and party??!!!''
the man says , ''how much is this gonna cost me??''
the pro says ''five hundred dollars''!!
''FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!''he yells,''What do i get for five hundred dollars?''
''well first you take of your coat , and '''jack et'' she replies.
''I'd rather do it my way'', says he
''Whats that'', says she
''Well first i'm gonna tie ya to the bed.....then i'm gonna get a loooong stick...and i'm gonna start beating on ya... and beating on ya... and beating on ya........ and beating on......
''HEY!!!!'' she exclaims,''JUST HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BEAT ON
ME?!?!?!?!?
''TIL YOU GIVE BACK MY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS !!!!!''HE SCREAMS!!

A man walked into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approached another man and asked, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow was embarrassed, but felt sorry for the stranger, who appeared to be crippled. He thought how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complied, unzip-ping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asked him to hold his penis while he peed. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he was asked.

Finally, the first guy finished, and the second man started to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man said, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

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Nubian

Pink Pussycat Boutique

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

" What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

" None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.

" Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. " The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

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Nubian

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male Flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

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Nubian

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."!

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

LMAO...that was a good one.

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Nubian