The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a pee yesterday, I came three times."...

__________________
____________
Nubian

In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

__________________
____________
Nubian

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely."

Adam said nothing in response.

"So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!"

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

"This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes."

Adam looked grateful.

"This person, "said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks."

Adam looked thoughtful.

"This person," emphasized the Lord, "will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!"

Adam really looked relieved.

"And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim, desire and order with cheerfulness."

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?"

"An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

__________________
____________
Nubian

So there was this engineer, on a cruise ship in the tropics for the first time. He was being waited on hand an foot, having the time of his life... But, it did not last. A typhoon came up suddenly. The ship went down almost instantly.

When he came to, he found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for signs of a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months.

She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides came from a cypress tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did..."

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed."

"I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and at the end of which there stood a lovely bungalow painted in sky blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?" "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I think I'll be sick."

"It won't be plain coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a small still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to chat.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

So, our enthralled engineer, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a sharp edge. He shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of hybiscus and violets.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Oh yes! There is," the man replied," as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her,

"Tell me... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

__________________
____________
Nubian

Nubian---The way that I heard that mens room joke was that the
man doing the holding said:That's too bad;Korea?
The other man,shook his hands out of his sleeves and said:No;
Gonorrhea;I wouldn't touch that with a stick!
In the other one;the flight attendant;was cool.I always said:Go out of your way to be nice to people.After that;if they're still assholes;prepare for the consequences! Irish
P.S.Thought you might get a kick out of the way that I heard that;
years ago.

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

I certainly did; especially since I've only heard the latter variation. Thanks Irish.

__________________
____________
Nubian

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"

The Doctor was in a good mood so he thought he might have a little fun, so he replied.

"Well, the child was born without a penis."

"Oh my goodness!"

"But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."

__________________
____________
Nubian

Guy goes to see his urologist and says, "Doc, my 'thing' is orange."

Doc looks at it and scratches his head. "Got any family history that would account for this?", he asks.

"No", says the patient.

"Do you work with chemicals?"

"No", says the patient, "I don't work".

Doc says, "Do you have any hobbies that use chemicals?"

"No", says the patient. I don't do much anything except sit around watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, "Get weighed."

So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said.

So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Diana's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Diana replied.

__________________
____________
Nubian

Please do not let this upset you too much.

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny.

He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

"What a way to GO !"

__________________
____________
Nubian

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go f*** yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of
the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

__________________
____________
Nubian

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.

"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

__________________
____________
Nubian