Lady in a carpet store bends over to inspect a persian rug,
as she does so,she passes wind.feeling very embarrassed
she stands back up hoping no one heard.but there right
be side her stands a salesman,may i help you he ask's
i was wondering about the price of this rug,she replies,
well ,he say's,if touching it makes you fart,you a going to
shit yourself,when i tell you the price.

A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he laid off one of his employees.

He looked in his files and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the other named Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired. About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler.

He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, "Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I'm going to lay you or Jack off."

Jill looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have to jack off. I have a headache."

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Nubian

How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working

- At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.

- Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.

- When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."

- You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.

- Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.

- Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.

- Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...

- Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

- You always lose limbo contests.

- Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.

- You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

- You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

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Nubian

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Nubian

Nubian....LMAO


Q What is making love?


A It's what your girlfriend's doing while your screwing her brains out.

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

..(This, of course, excludes the men here at Pixies )

1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for awhile.

3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't important, sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I'm sick of blow-jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?

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Nubian

One day a son asked his father to explain what politics was.

DAD, "Well son, let us take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let us call me the Management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let us call you the People. We will call the maid the Working class and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand politics then?"

SON, "I am not really sure dad, but I will think about it."

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother crying, so he went to see what was wrong. He discovered that the baby had heavily soiled his nappy. The son went to his parents room and found his mother asleep. He then went to the maids room where, peeping through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. He tried to knock but his knock went totally unheard. He then decided to go back to his room and slept.

The next morning he went to his father and said he finally understood what politics was.

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Nubian

Nubian---My wife loved your thread on--7things that Men won't
say. Irish

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Morning after a party, two female flatmates are talking.

One says, "My mouth tastes like the bottom of a bird-cage."

Her friend says "No wonder, you had a cock or two in there

last night."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

LOL...Please relay my thanks.

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Nubian

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

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Nubian

Some may have been repeated here already...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhh, its cute
3. Why don't we just cuddle
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's ok we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no...a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you.
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me.
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you should judge people on their personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

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Nubian

What do you call an epileptic man in a pile of leaves?

Russell

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

What do you call a man with no arms in a swimming pool?

Bob

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

What do u call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug



What do u call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~