"At the Beep"

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

"Chalkboard Culprit"

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

__________________
Lots of people talk and few of them know, soul of a woman was created below

I can't get through to her 'cause it doesn't permit
But I'm gonna give her everything I've got to give.

I hear your sweet voice calling
out my name
As I stare from a six foot cell
And from beyond I heard the words
Deceptively Yours

Hunting


A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

__________________
Lots of people talk and few of them know, soul of a woman was created below

I can't get through to her 'cause it doesn't permit
But I'm gonna give her everything I've got to give.

I hear your sweet voice calling
out my name
As I stare from a six foot cell
And from beyond I heard the words
Deceptively Yours

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

... They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

From Cradle to Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

__________________
Lots of people talk and few of them know, soul of a woman was created below

I can't get through to her 'cause it doesn't permit
But I'm gonna give her everything I've got to give.

I hear your sweet voice calling
out my name
As I stare from a six foot cell
And from beyond I heard the words
Deceptively Yours

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.” He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

__________________


"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, then let it, and if you have to wait for what you really want, take the time because nobody said that life would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it." ~ Unknown author

WHERE DO REDHEADS COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be. Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard
for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently, "it's rust."

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

The Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose--from among many men -- a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girl friends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

The sign on the second floor reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," say the girls, "but, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"
And so again, they go up.

The fourth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," say the women, "but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the Fifth floor they go -- and the sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please!! Thank you for shopping, and a have nice day."

Computer error



I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So,what was wrong?" and he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran over my face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Experienced Driver?????

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,they came to an Intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Ruth, in the passenger seat, thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The
light was red and, again, they went right through. This time, Ruth
was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red, and they blew right through it. She turned to the driver and
said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights
in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

Giving Pills To Pets



HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

Wrap it in bacon.

NOW............

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.

GOD vs Scientist..


God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him.

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning"

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me, " replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no" interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.

Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well.

Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.

Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry