My husband and I have been married for a few years, and we don't have kids yet. Lately I find that I am not attracted to him, and that our marriage has turned into a close friendship with very little else.

I think it might be time for a divorce - I love him but I don't think I'm in love with him any more.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Can you give me any advice?

When I divorced, pretty much everybody said, "At least you don't have children" so that's one thing to look at.

Have you thought about counselling to get at the root of your issues?

I don't know your age but I know I married in my early 20s and should have known it wouldn't work. I know many Pixies have great marriages and have been married and survived their 20s together but I wasn't one of them.

Edited to add: You're exactly a week younger than me

I'm still finding that I'm changing and don't know what I want from one day or another. You have to look at yourself, look at him, look at the two of you together . . .

The big question is: why do you say you think you aren't in love with him anymore?

I notice you say, "you don't think" . . . that's a big difference from the declarative statement, "I'm NOT in love with him anymore."

Hi Steph:

Thanks for your response. Yes, I agree...I have done a lot of changing over the past few years and I think that's part of the problem. I just want different things than he wants.

Yes, there's a difference between "thinking" and "knowing" that I am not in love. There are good days - there are just very few of them. We don't fight...there's just no spark. I don't rush home to see him anymore, and I haven't for many months.

I've thought about a counselor. My husband is very private, and he is not interested in going to one. However, I could probably make him go if I insisted...do you think I should? I've always wondered how it works out if one person really doesn't want to be there.

Thanks for the help.
-Ann

JMHO, but I would think that both people would need to want to be there. But that requires both people admitting that there is something that needs to be analyzed and that's not easy to do. Whether it's that he isn't ready to concede that there's a problem, or if he truly believes one doesn't exist...the result is the same. The only way a couple stands the chance to work things out is if both people are engaged in the process.

Because I use sex for a lot of analogies, I'll do it here too. It's like my asking Mrs. WI to tie me up. She's not interested in doing it, and is very happy having more conservative sex. She did it once just to please me and it was a disaster. She wasn't "in" to it and it was obvious. Then she got defensive about it, and the whole thing just deteriorated. My point is that like sex acts, couple's counselling requires mutual interest and participation or only one person is getting what they want out of it...and not even that. Not a resolution to a desire.

I'm sorry that I'm only able to suggest what probably won't work and not something that possibly will. I hate seeming negative, but my only positive suggestions sound very obvious.

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Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

My husband and I got married very young, probably way too young. Because of it, we have had, and continue to "growup" together. As we age, our tastes, habits, and the way we used to be have changed. There was many times in the beginning that I wondered if it was best to leave or to stay.

However, I had to sit down and ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth sticking through the rough patches, the mellow times, the good, the bad and the ugly for this person? My answer was yes and hopefully always will be. I made a vow to be with him forever. I'm still crazy about him, even if he drives me crazy at times (and I know I drive him nuts too ). We are best friends and we did build our relationship off a friendship first. Thankfully, I think we got through the worst of it a few years ago, as it keeps getting better and better here.

I think ultimately you will have to ask yourself, is it worth it? If things never change, will you be happy non the less? Only you can answer that. Only you ultimately know what you need to do. Whatever choice you make, make sure you have some support, it goes a long way.

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Happiness is Bunny Shaped

My Stories:One Hot July Allison's Seduction Olivia's Journey

hmm i was married for 20 year.. and kept trying and finally did ask myself if it was worth it all and finally decided Fuck NO..

He was emotionally, psychologically and finally psycially abusive since i was changing and getting more asssured. He was also very threatened by toys.

let me start this way.. first anniversary he told me to keep look out for delivery .. i waited all day as i wasn't working then.. he came home and told me he was just yanking my chain.

We kept trying to make a new start and finally i called him 9 years ago this last labor day weekend and said "btw i am moving out.. CYA!

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I love the night
I love the element of danger and the ecstasy of flight,
I love the night
I love to dance with a stranger and to feel his delight,
And when the dancing is through, I kick off my shoes,
And I listen to the beating of his heart

I keep zooming in on the "close friendship" part...I've seen marriages last a long time based on as much.
If the fire has died down, but not causing major conflict, I'd say some councelling might be in order...
Or maybe a little something something to spice things up might help as well.

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

I can't contribute any personal experience so I can't offer advice from that perspective but I do think that before you decide to divorce, you should at least talk your husband. A lot. The counseling is a good idea, too, but like your husband, I think I’m just a bit more likely to try to work it out at home before bringing in a headshrinker to overanalyze and make a clinical, academic situation out of a relationship that’s should to be dynamic and blooming and unconstrained by any one set of “norms”. Sometimes we find that which contents us, yet at the same time conventional wisdom tells us that by most standards we shouldn’t feel content.

That isn’t to say that psychologists and others wouldn’t be a help, only that I believe my husband and I could succeed in helping ourselves as long as we remained friends. I'm not sure you should force or threaten your husband into counseling, but it's important to you and perhaps with some of your perspective, he could be persuaded to do it just knowing it meant a lot to you. A great advantage for you both is that hopefully - as close friends - you can be honest with each other about your feelings without it degenerating into arguments or blame-laying or other nasty results that would need a councilor, or worse, need to just end.

You’ve been married a few years, but it’s only been lately that you’re feeling little or no attraction to him. Perhaps it’s something else that’s interfering. A general ennui in life that’s translating to your libido, or to your feelings for him, or to something else entirely. Marriages aren’t solely based on sexual attraction, but it certainly is important and for a certain kind of person – a person who needs that body and brain connection - necessary. But not so important that at the first signs the attraction is fading, the marriage should be ended.

best of luck to you and yours, cognito

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Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

1. Friendship is what holds a marriage together during the rough times.

2. You said you love him. Why would you divorce the man you love??

3. DO NOT make a decision until you TALK TO HIM!

Y'all's marriage is in trouble, and neither of you can fix it by yourself. In fact, he may not even realize that anything is wrong (do you know how he feels about things?). It is only through open, honest communication that you both can work through it together, to the point where either everything is fine, or you both realize that a divorce is inevitable.

Perhaps a lack of communication is what has you feeling this way??

That was very well said, BW and I think the last point you made is very important.

I was in this position with my ex; we talked and made some changes and I found that even after we both started making more effort, having more sex, spending more quality and romantic time together that the relationship was still not fulfilling enough. Perhaps it was too little too late, perhaps it was just destiny. I don't know.

The important thing is, though, to TRY before you give up, and then if you still decide to quit, you KNOW you're making the right decision and you'll have no regrets.

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"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !

My wife and I have been married now for over 44 years and believe me, it's not always rockets and fireworks ... but, we've learned to really know each other and there's no one I trust more than her. I hope the two of you are able to resolve any problems and work things out. For sure our best hopes are there for the both of you.

Back in 1982 my wife and I made a Marriage Encounter. It's not for failing marriages, but rather a chance for a couple to develop better communciations and to draw closer once again. It was wonderful. For 15 years after that experience, I wrote a love letter to my wife virtually every day. It's still a powerful influence on our relationship. Might be worth looking into. Just a thought. BTW, you can find more info on them at www.wwme.org.

Cognito,

As your opening post used both "divorce" and "love", you may find this link useful.

Good luck.

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Eudaimonia