I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

Perpetual students, those with PHDs in asymmetrical basket weaving as an allegory of the transient nature of conscious counter-morality in the unconsolidated T'Soli clans of lower Gabon, with special regard to the resonances with the legends of ut Napishtam as told in the cuneiform records of Chaldeen Ur and nascent Assyria.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I don't understand. OF, was that a joke or a response to DB....or both maybe? It makes my head spin whatever it is.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

DB wanted to know which drain on society he'd missed, so I told him.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Thanks.

Just remember:

To err is human.

To blame someone else shows management potential.

here too. are you stayin' cozy?




--------------------------

Not as cozy as you'd be after all the shovelling and running.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.
Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.


A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!),
The wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones
Indoors to protect them from the cold night.

It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth
And slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,
So she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. “

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Another repeat, but it's so good.


A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"


"Sean," he replied.

"Sean forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Sean answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Sean finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy putting lessons, Sean thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"







Under the cart.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Oh.

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to
her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her
hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said,
'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death
to ask the cranky old fart what his name is.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."