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THE Day began…
quite ordinarily. It was warm and lazy. A perfect Sunday in my books. A day of rest in the easy chair. The trash need not be taken out until the next morning. Nothing in the house needed fixing, as far as I knew. Well, nothing life-threatening needed fixing anyway.
So, I had pretty much planned the day out just watching football or just falling asleep on my chair. Or I could mess around with my new home theater system until I fall asleep in my chair. Moreover, the Redskins were playing the Cowboys today. I had already prayed to all of the known Gods that the Cowboys' owner would die a horrible death today. And the Cowboys being slaughtered by the Redskins. What irony in that statement. Overall, it was supposed to be a good day.
But it didn’t turn out that way. Why? Because here I am, weaving through traffic, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Don’t these other people have anything better to do than be in my way on a Sunday afternoon? You can tell that I was not a happy man at this point in time.
‘HEY LADY! TRANSPORTING CHILDREN IS NOT A LICENSE TO DRIVE AT 20 IN A 55 ZONE!’
Nope, I was not a happy man. But my beautiful wife, sitting pretty in her floral summer dress beside me, was a happy person. Why? Because she had managed to blackmail and cajoled me into going antique hunting with her. Yeah, I’m basically a weak man. A little pout on her lips and a little teardrop forming in her eyes were enough for me to go get dressed and start up the car. Gods, I hate myself for being unable to resist her charms, tricks even.
I had frequently wondered why did I not say No, when the priest asked that fateful question. ‘Do you, James Field, take this woman, Costanza Tortorico, to be your lawfully wedded wife…’ ‘NO…’ would have shaken the entire church right down to the concrete foundation. Of course, Connie would have hunted me down eventually, no matter where I ran. Death would be a blessing, but knowing her after all these years, she would have castrated me with a dull butter knife and left me bleeding to death. And Gods knows what her mother would have done to me. Ever seen an enraged Italian woman with a pizza slicer? You get the idea…
And so here I am, with one hand on the wheel, and the other holding Connie’s hand, hunting for those little antiques in some out of the way mom-and-pop owned store. It was not really that I dreaded shopping with her. She had a very good eye for art. And our house was very tastefully decorated. I’m proud to show off my house. Well, it was because the timing of the little excursion was out. Notwithstanding football, I had planned for an afternoon romp with her.
Yeah, I know. Horniness is inherent in all men. Even the statistics show it. Men have a ‘dirty’ thought every 30 seconds or so. And if you’re still wondering, let me ask you this question then. When was the last time you had sex in full broad daylight? Couldn’t remember? Well, me neither. Besides, Cosmo™ said that a little planned seduction is healthy for a relationship.
We took the scenic route, but I should write to my Congressman, Congressperson in our case, since the advent of PCism. I should complain about the Department of Transportation giving driving licenses to slow folks. If these people want to go slow, then they should park their car and get out and walk! Walking is healthy. I wish my Jeep were not so new; otherwise, a little bit of a bent fender would not hurt me so much. I gritted my teeth and concentrated on not hitting anyone.
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Hybrid Mode
