Dunno if this was posted before.......but it's so funny I had to post it now! I am gonna go pee now.......you all go on and read!




Subject: Inexperienced Chili Taster

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will most likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

I've seen it before but it gets funnier each time I read it. And it's true as well I grew up in Indiana and moved to TX for a couple years they cook uo stuff that will kill ya.

LMAO

Absolutely hilarious. I hadn't seen this before but have a brother-in-law that lives in Texas that will truly enjoy it

Hilarious Lixy, loved it. I was born in Ft Worth and make a pretty hot chile myself. Nothing like these though I bet.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Man, I've got to go pee! I love the autopsy bit! LOLOL

Very, very good!

Good ole Texas chile!! LOL



Don

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Always remember, life is not how many breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away!

LMFAO...and I LOVE good chili...hot but not TOO hot!



rabbit

Lixy, thought you'd get a kick out of this. A friend of ours just celebrated his 50th birthday and his wife hosted a surprise party for him. He LOVES hot foods and makes his own hot sauce and uses hot peppers liberally in chili. I gave him a copy of this and he read it to the group. People were in tears laughing as he read it out loud. Only change I made was at the end I added his name in front of the " ... really hot chili ... " comment. Thanks ... you made HIS day as well as ours!

I still Live in Texas... And all this is only funny because its true

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"When I am empty, Please dispose of me properly."

Okayyyyyyyyyyy....................Don't knock it till you Try It.
Ain't nothing like a evening of Beer drinking Chili eatting Cow tipping fun. It's just a Texas thang....................so just two step your way down to South Texas and ENJOY.

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ROFLMFAO! Hey! I can cow tip with the best of um! And I ain't no slouch in the beer drinkin dept. either! So stick that in your ten gallon hat, Quisath, and.........well.......I guess you'll have a hat full of cow pies and beer! OMG!!!!!!

Oh....and I don't do chili! I like it.....but it don't like me! LOL!

Can I still come to Texas?????

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

Honey................you can Cumm anytime.......and bring ole whats his name too.


You'll find no Stinking Ten Gallons hats down this way.............Maybe up in Fort Worth or Dallas. (no offense Eros)

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My Dad sent me this one before. I loved it then and still love it. He's the chili maker in the family. Oh, there's cow tipping and beer drinking around here too.

OMG db! I would have loved to have been there to laugh along with them! I read this from time to time and it's still funny....every single time! So glad you.....and your friends enjoyed it! My pleasure to pass it along! *hugs*

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~