I'm starting this thread for jokes so there is a place to share them without taking up lots of space elsewhere. Hope everyone likes the idea!

CLASSIC DARWINS Hard to believe, but another year has passed... (For those who don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool...) The nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling
noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of
the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own 'gas.' There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage - just the right combination of foods. It appears the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it would not have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a
huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers
got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David
Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 1:30p.m.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look
into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters,
Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the
two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On
an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken
clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Fred

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing.

Straight from Nashville, TN.......
>
Top 15 Country Songs of 2002
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2002 Is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's
a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with us.

IN THE HOSPITAL..

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The Doctor


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. Besides, you are single, Just let it go".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality
whispering..

Dave, you're a veterinarian.

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.


Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.


An application was for employment

A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.



Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy ,
You hoped nobody found out.



Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.


Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.


Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.



I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Sally, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sally's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a wonderful feat!" said the Emperor. "Now Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ahhh, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and Swooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision..... THAT takes skill!"

Hiya,

Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was better with computers. Finally God suggested a way to settle it: Each would spend 2 hours using the computer to create databases, spreadsheets, charts and tables, and most importantly, web pages, the most beautiful web pages.

The two sat at their keyboards and began typing furiously. Just before the 2 hours were up, the power went out. Once it came back on, they booted up their computers.

"It's gone! It's all Gone!" Satan screamed. "My work was destroyed!"

Meanwhile, Jesus began to print and show his work. "Hey, he must have cheated!" Satan yelled. "How come his stuff wasn't lost?"

God shrugged, and said simply, "Jesus saves."

For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, ...the paybacks are:



Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop and ask for directions.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds eventually will mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
A. They all already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. Why are married women usually heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Tape the remote control between his toes.

Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. "I must be able to do better than THAT!".

Q. What did God say after creating Eve?
A. "Practice makes perfect".

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're all married.

Q. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" A. God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "....So she would love you!"

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration dinner at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order, and she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad.

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'.

VERY good. Thanks!