08-16-2003, 06:38 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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How To Poo At Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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08-16-2003, 07:20 PM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: WI,USA
Posts: 137
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great Survival Guide ..hmmm I should be takeing notes or better might just post this on the backside of the door
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Griz1960
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08-16-2003, 11:49 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: T.O.
Posts: 20,828
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ROFL! Oh man, my stomach hurts!
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THIS WAS MY LAST BOSS!!!!
The magazines and newspapers were by my desk and I KNEW when he grabbed a few, he was going in the bathroom. And the bathroom was RIGHT BY MY DESK!!!
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08-17-2003, 01:22 AM
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Now Seating
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 531
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LOL
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-Oz
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08-17-2003, 09:03 AM
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Registered User
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Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 210
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LMAO! Too funny!  |
08-17-2003, 12:32 PM
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~Imaginary lover~
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 9,432
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ROFLMAO with tears in my eyes!!! Oh Lord!!!!! 
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08-17-2003, 01:11 PM
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Scottish Angel
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Scotland
Posts: 2,761
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that was good!!!! thanks for sharing!
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Don't pet the sweaty things!!!!
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08-17-2003, 01:20 PM
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Suprise Me
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 4,259
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LMAO..... we all know someone like that at work...
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08-17-2003, 01:44 PM
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Just want to enjoy life!
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 1,537
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ROTFLMAO
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"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." (Lewis Grizzard)
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08-17-2003, 08:15 PM
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Bastard of Member
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6,029
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Down the hallway from my office is the only private bathroom in the entire building....we call it the Pooper bathroom cause I have seen guys from the back end of the plant come and use it.
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Love...the slowest form of suicide.
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08-17-2003, 08:31 PM
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Junior Member
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Kzoo
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Very nice. My only beef with this (yup, I know what I'm typing) is the courtesy flush. Can anyone tell me why this is necessary? It would seem to me that the smell of one's poo has only the time to stink from ones bunger to the safe haven of the water. Assuming that all smell of the poo is released during this critical time, why is it necessary to flush? The damage has already been done...
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08-17-2003, 08:50 PM
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yada, yada, yada
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 2,805
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ROFL...too funny!!
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08-17-2003, 09:14 PM
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here and there
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Western NY
Posts: 3,601
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Quote:
Originally posted by tinspoons
Very nice. My only beef with this (yup, I know what I'm typing) is the courtesy flush. Can anyone tell me why this is necessary? It would seem to me that the smell of one's poo has only the time to stink from ones bunger to the safe haven of the water. Assuming that all smell of the poo is released during this critical time, why is it necessary to flush? The damage has already been done...
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well... this question is easily addressed by a phenomenon know as the "the massive floater" or "the beached whale"... the one that does not sink under water and is thus exposed to the air for a prolonged period of time... hence the need for the "courtesy flush"
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08-17-2003, 10:13 PM
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Just me.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
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LMAO Sharni. Terrific.
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08-18-2003, 02:04 AM
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Made in England
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8,180
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OMG.......too damn funny!
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