I guess we have all had days like this


Timing is often everything.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

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it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today ." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the ba tteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was place d in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. <--- I LOVE THAT

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emerg ency room!





Life is sure tough for some, isn't it?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.



He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"







The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fixes his car.








As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.















The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.















He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.















The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."















Distraught, the man is forced to leave.















Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.















The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."















The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."















The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."















The man sets about his task.















After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.















"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:















By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."















The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."















The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."















The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.















Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.















The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.















And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
















Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."













The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!















With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......








































But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

Bampot!!!



DM

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Yep, I think DM got that one about right.

Shame on you DB! .........

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
Breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
Have just one problem... It's these breasts you have given me. The
Middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
With my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
Pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only
Two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point", replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
You know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
Only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
Away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
Into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
Animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
The animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
Could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
Create a man from a part of you. Now let's see......where did I put the
Useless boob?"

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure.


It seems the in Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant; in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant; in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant; in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant; in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant; in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

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Eudaimonia